I Walked Out in the Garage and the Bumper was HANGING TOTALLY OFF THE CAR. And Troy was Getting Directions Off YouTube.

Troy and I are the kind of people that pay for service. If something will take too long or be a big pain in the butt, we'll pay a lot to get out of doing it ourselves.

After Avery went to bed, Troy decided to do some DIY car work. Which he had never done before. I was a little nervous. If you read our last DIY story, you know how that went. He needed to change the lightbulbs in one of the headlights that were out. He has always paid for repairs for his car. It's a Volkswagon Jetta, and he's always been like, "it's a foreign car so it has to go to a dealer!" Like a Jiffy Lube won't know how to change the oil in a german car. Seriously.

So when he announced that he was going to AutoZone to get lightbulbs, I thought THEY were changing them. Nope.

He came home and brought his computer out in the garage.

Natalie (with a tremor in her voice, knowing that Troy has to drive it to work in 2 hours): Uhhhhhhh, what are you doing?

Troy (very calmly and confidently): Watching a "how to" video for this.

Natalie: Uhhhhhhh, what are you doing?

He ignored me. I avoided going out there for about an hour. And then I walked out and saw this:

Natalie: OH MY GOD! YOU TOOK THE WHOLE BUMPER OFF!

Troy: I'm aware. I had to take it off to get access to the headlights. I've been here the whole time. I know it's off.

Natalie (voice squeaking): Are you seriously watching youtube?

Troy: Yep.

Natalie: OH MY GOD! CAN YOU PUT IT BACK ON???

Troy: Hey look. There's a dead bird in the bumper where I took it off.

Natalie: WHAT!! GROSS! Get rid of it! (long pause) OK FINE! Let me see.

I took a picture of the dead bird inside the bumper, but I won't do that to you. Some of you may be eating breakfast. Yuck.

You saw it here first folks. Troy is wearing a head light. Like, for when you go hiking at night.

But for real. He figured it out calmly. Using a youtube video. I was seriously proud. He probably saved us 2 hours of paying for car labor at a shop. And thank God for dawn soap. It's the only thing that gets car grease off of skin.

Dragging Troy to A Drag Show

So my mom came to visit a few weeks ago. She got here at 10pm on wednesday and then it was off to the races. We went to bed wednesday night and then got up thursday morning and drove to San Diego to visit Laura and her mom Kim (who is my mom's first cousin). You can read about my last visit here.

This is a picture of my mom with Laura (the brown hair) and me when Mom and Kim were about our age.

Isn't that cute??

Anyway... We were in San Diego doing girl stuff from Thursday to Saturday (when we drove back to Vegas). Then on Sunday we went to church and went to Costco. My mom's cousin came over with his daughter on Sunday night. Then on Monday, Troy and I both worked and Mom stayed home to have Grandma time with Avery. Tuesday morning, we were like, "OH GOD. You're leaving tomorrow and we haven't done ANYTHING Vegas-y." That's a word.

So I started looking online for a show that we could go to on a Tuesday night. Unfortunately, a lot of shows have their "off night" on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. There weren't a lot of choices, but I FINALLY found a "Vegas-y" one called "Las Vegas Divas." And you guessed it!! Based on the title of this post, it was a drag show.

It was at the Imperial Palace on the strip. I was able to get a sitter for Avery last minute (YAY!) and we headed downtown. We parked at the Imperial Palace and walked through the casino and grabbed some drinks at Fat Tuesdays. We have more cups to add to our collection. We keep cups from bars in our car so that when we go downtown we don't have to pay the "inital cup fee" again. Refills on drinks are like half the price. Anyway, we got some drinks and went out to watch the fountain show at the Bellagio, which was really cool. I'd seen it in lots of movies, but it's better live.

We walked back to the Imperial Palace. The hotel was kind of a shit hole. Let's be honest. Especially since we walked through Caesar's Palace and the Bellagio. The best part about the Imperial Palace was that all of the dealers were dressed up like a character. There was Michael Jackson and Dolly Parton and some others. That was fun.

We got refills on our drinks for Mom and Troy (I got voted the DD. Of. Course.) and snuck them into the show. We were LITERALLY in the front row. Which was awesome, because Mom and Troy were just drunk enough to let everyone around us hear that they were excited about being so close so they could check out "how well the guys hide their junk." Face-palm.

The show started and Joan Rivers was the host. She looked awesome. The real Joan Rivers already looks like a drag queen so it was pretty much perfect.

Each person played 2 personas. I didn't get pictures of all the people, but here are a few examples:

Whitney Houston and Diana Ross where played by the same guy. Girl? I don't know what's politically correct here...

This is Celine Dion and Cher. How awesome is Cher?? The answer is: THE MOST AWESOME!

And then there's Lady Gaga and Britney. He/she was wearing jeweled PANTIES for each persona. And let's talk about this. We were sitting in the front row. And my mom is SLAMMED. And Troy is SLAMMED. And I was sitting between them. So to talk to each other, they are "whispering." Which has to be done over my lap. So they are doing like the stage whisper.

Troy: Ok, where's the penis?

Mom: That is an excellent tuck job.

Troy: I see no evidence of man there.

Mom: He's hot.

Natalie: Seriously, they can hear us.

But for real. The guy/girl who played Lady Gaga and Britney was AMAZING! Like better than real Britney. Had a better body than 95% of the girls I know. As a dude. For shame Natalie, for shame. GO TO THE GYM!

I got a picture with Britney after the show. I googled him just now and found out he is super famous. He was on "The X-Factor" as a Britney impersonator. His name is Derrick Barry. Google him.

Troy was relieved after he saw them all up close. He was like, "um, they're hot from far away." And then after seeing them up close with all their makeup and wig glory, he was like, "um, not so much hot from close up."

But for real. The thing I was most upset about was that there was NO live singing. I know that they are dudes and probably can't hit those notes. Their job is to IMITATE those divas in looks, swag and dancing, but I was still disappointed they they ALL were lip-syncing.

The other ladies that were there were Beyonce/Tina Turner, Mariah Carey/Liza Minnelli, Dolly Parton/Bette Midler.

It was pretty amazing overall. Go see it.

Things I am Horrible at: Reading Vanity License Plates

Seriously. Troy thinks this is hilarious. I am SO bad at deciphering them. Something else I am bad at??

DO NOT ask me to play this game. You will always win and I will have a bad attitude.

But back to the license plates. Here are a couple examples and how the conversation went while I would try to figure them out.

The first horrible incident from my memory was with my friend Kristen. She still makes fun of me for this. She almost peed her pants listening to me trying to figure it out.

This is what the license plate said:

IMFRMNY

Kristen: Oh that guy must be a horrible driver.

Natalie: Huh? Why? How can you tell that?

Kristen: His license plate.

Natalie: Huh? I'm for money? Infamy? No that's not it.

Kristen (almost crashing her car to sideways look at me): Are you kidding me right now? Natalie. Come on.

Natalie: WHAT? I don't know! How can you tell he's a horrible driver? He likes money! Or he has a rich family. Like "I'm from money." Maybe he needs a wife. I don't know....

Kristen (while snorting and laughing): I'M FROM NEW YORK!!!!

Natalie: OHHHHHH I get it.

Most recently, Troy and I were out on a day date and we saw this license plate:

NOS8NT

Troy: Oh that's appropriate for Vegas.

Natalie: Huh? Not otherwise specified eightent? What?

Troy: You are the worst.

Natalie: COME ON! You know I suck at this.

Troy: What are you talking about "not otherwise specified"???

Natalie: That's what is on lab reports when a sample is abnormal but there is no categorization for the identification of the anomaly.

Troy: So you go with "not otherwise specified" rather than "no"?

Natalie: I'm going to stop talking you through my thought process if you are going to make fun of me.

Troy: Oh thank God, I better keep going!

Natalie: HEY!

Troy: Seriously. What do you think it says?

Natalie: Seriously I don't know. Just tell me. You are only going to make fun of me.

Troy. NO SAINT!

Natalie: OHHHHHHHHHH that makes sense.

Example 3. We saw this one on the same trip as the previous one. At this point, he is showing off his skills and trying to make me feel stupid/wanting to laugh at me and have a story to tell his friends about how dumb I am.

2DNGRUS

Troy: Ok what do you think that one is. This is going to be good.

Natalie: 2 dungerees? Like jeans? Maybe he has twins.

Troy: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you're ridiculous!

Natalie: Ok what is it??

Troy: Too dangerous!

Natalie: Ohhhhhhhh that makes sense.

Example 4:

HMESLV

Troy: Ok, this one is easy.

Natalie (very confidently yelling): SHE'S A REALTOR!!! HOMES LOVE!

Troy: YOU ARE THE WORST!!!!

Natalie: NO, WAIT! HOME: SOUTHERN LAS VEGAS!

Troy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! YOU SUCK AT THIS! I WILL ALWAYS WIN!

Natalie: You almost always win at games anyway. Just add this to that pile. I'm just not as competitive as you. It doesn't matter.

Troy: She's probably a stay at home mom. It's home slave!

Natalie: You don't know. That could be any number of things. Homes love. Home: Southern Las Vegas.

Troy: Just stop. You lose.

Natalie: .............ok fine.

So yeah. I suck at deciphering license plates. And playing Mad Gab.