Oh, baby names. Troy and I had a really, really hard time picking a name for Avery. On saturday mornings, I would get up with a baby book and my computer, and write down 5-10 names and their meanings. I'd eat breakfast, mull over some names, watch a movie, and google some "baby name" lists. I'd spend about 3 hours relaxing and brainstorming. Ahhhhh, weekends before children...
Troy would get up about 3 hours later (I'm an early riser), take 15 seconds to look at my list for the day and veto everything on it. Yep. This went on for about 2 months.
And if you read this entry, then you know how we feel about naming babies. So coming up with a couple names? TOTAL nightmare for us.
But then something happened. Instead of putting so much pressure on ourselves and turning it into a "discussion," we just would mention things in passing that we liked. We'd be watching a movie, reading a book, or driving in the car and someone would say, "hey what do you this about ________ ?" And if it was a no, the moment passed, no feelings hurt, no big deal.
We didn't want to pick names that were overused or on "top baby names of 20__" but we wanted something that was kind of a family name. We had a boy name picked out, but if you read this post, then you know how that turned out. Luckily, we settled on names almost 2 months ago.
Kinley Paige Barnes Caris Faye Barnes.
Kinley is a name we just liked. I initially wanted Kenley, but Troy thought it was too masculine and requested the vowel change. Life is all about compromise, am I right? Paige is his sisters middle name.
If you haven't read Pillars of the Earth or the sequel World Without End, I cannot express in one blog post how amazing these books are. The main female heroine character in the sequel is named Caris (pronounced like Ferris wheel, with a hard "k"). While reading the book, I remember thinking "I've never heard that name before." And then as the book progressed and I admired her loyalty, courage, and thirst for knowledge regarding medicine, I was like, "dude, she's awesome."
We settled on Kinley first actually. As twins, we wanted names that kind of "went together." Either both biblical, started with the same letter, etc. Instead, we ended up settling for having the same hard "k" sound. I suggested Caris to Troy and he was on the fence about it. We were watching a movie on the couch he was like, "eh, let me think about it." About 5 minutes later, I was like, "Don't you think Caris Faye sounds so cute?" Faye is his grandmother's middle name. And he says, "No way. I was thinking THE SAME THING! Done." Kinley and Caris it is.
We also already picked which baby is which. The baby on the bottom (baby A) is Kinley and the baby on the top (baby B) is Caris. Kinley seems more spunky in there and is always kicking and rolling. Caris is more laid back. It might be because she's on top doesn't have the opportunity to dance on my bladder, but for now, that's what we're going with.
How do you guys pick names? If you don't have kids yet, have you had THAT NAME picked out since high school? Did you and your partner fight about names or have them picked out before you found out the sex?
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Friday, July 19, 2013
It's a Slow Growing Love
At church the last week, there was a guest speaker and he was speaking on how there are moments in your life that are true "God moments" where you feel him actually touching your life and putting miracles in place. And then other times, looking BACK at your life, it's a slowing growing miracle. Based on your circumstances at the time, the fact that you made it and are ok is a miracle. There are so many people who are disappointed with the path their life has taken, or their job, or their finances, or whatever. But then, when you look back at where you are now and where you came from, you can see that although it may not have been a "God moment" of epic proportions, your LIFE is a miracle and God has been there through every step.
On the way home, Troy asked me what my "big God moments" were in my life and I just sat there. "Uhhh, you go first." Troy said, "well the biggest one was the day Avery was born. I just felt so overwhelmed and overcome with joy. We wanted her for so long." And I just sat there in the car twiddling my thumbs. And then I said it. "The day Avery was born, I felt nothing."
Troy has known for a while, but I'm going to confess to all of you.
It's no secret that Troy and I have had fertility issues. Miscarriages, medications, doctor visits. At one point in our journey to children, having a family seemed like an achievable dream for other people, but not for me. I have always always wanted to be a mom. Ask my siblings or my parents. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I said "a mom."
The whole time I was pregnant with Avery, I just basked in BEING pregnant. I did it. I was growing a human. I felt amazing. And blessed. And beautiful. And like I was fulfilling my purpose as a woman.
But after a miscarriage and multiple rounds of medications and finally getting pregnant, in the back of my mind, SOMETHING was going to go wrong. My mind was in a downward spiral. It was like, "yay! we're pregnant." And my mind would say, "I'm just going to miscarry." Then, "yay! She's here!" And mind would say, "she's just going to die of SIDS." My mind was desperately trying to protect my heart and make sure I didn't get attached to her because I was so convinced that I wasn't worthy of such a gift.
The day Avery was born was a total blur. They broke my water and started my pitocin drip at 9am. No epidural and at 11:07 (that's right, 2cm to 10cm in less than 2 hours...I almost died) Avery was born. Troy immediately started bawling. My mom immediately started bawling. And all I could think was, "dude, where's lunch? This is serious. Get a menu." I was starving. Isn't that awful?
I said all the right things and posed for all the pictures, but in my mind, I kept thinking, this can't be my life. I can't believe we finally did this. It was surreal. We had a baby. What's going to go wrong now? For 6 months, I waited. I waited for something to go wrong. I waited for her to die. I waited for Troy to be paralyzed in a horrible car accident. I kept anticipating something bad. And living on the edge of my seat.
But everything was fine. She was perfect.
Now I don't want anyone to think I had postpartum depression. I definitely did not. I think I was traumatized from such a deep desire for having children and then miscarrying while Troy was deployed. I just kept thinking that it was never going to happen, and then when it did, all my body wanted to do was protect itself from feeling that pain ever again. If I felt that bad from losing a pregnancy, how much worse would it be when I lost an ACTUAL baby? So instead, I built a wall around myself from Avery, so she couldn't hurt me when she died. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be a Mom. Maybe we were too aggressive with fertility medications. If God wanted me to be a mom, wouldn't he have given me the ability to do it naturally? Is he going to take her from me?
I look at her now and I cannot believe how many snuggles and late night feedings I spent just looking at her feeling detached and not letting myself love her. She is such a joy and so smart. I look at her face and I cannot believe the little parts of Troy or myself that I see in her. It's SUCH a miracle. My love for her was a slow growing miracle. I didn't have a "God moment" when she was born. I hate that I missed out on 6 months of love, but the feeling of it slowly washing over me has been more than I could have hoped for. It snuck up on me with no loud announcement or warning. God made no mistake. Troy and I are the perfect parents for Avery and we had to do the sowing before the harvest. Put in the work to get the prize.
I say this now because so many horrible things have happened this pregnancy. And now it seems that everything might actually be okay. I really hope that I feel that "instant love" and connection that so many people talk about. Cause I totally missed out the first time around. Knowing that this is MOST LIKELY my last pregnancy, I don't want to miss out on baby snuggles or take them for granted. I want to be excited to get up and nurse in the middle of the night because I'll know it's just mommy/baby time. I just want to feel SOMETHING other than pure fear and impending doom.
With Avery's sweet personality and attitude, it's so easy to love her. To think that I am growing 2 MORE people who will have different personalities and attitudes, it's a miracle. To think that one day, not too long from now, Troy and I will start nurturing 2 more little miracles that will one day talk to us, and have opinions, and give us hugs and butterfly kisses fills my heart with so much joy. I just hope that my mind and fear don't try and rob me of the joy of their infancy.
On the way home, Troy asked me what my "big God moments" were in my life and I just sat there. "Uhhh, you go first." Troy said, "well the biggest one was the day Avery was born. I just felt so overwhelmed and overcome with joy. We wanted her for so long." And I just sat there in the car twiddling my thumbs. And then I said it. "The day Avery was born, I felt nothing."
Troy has known for a while, but I'm going to confess to all of you.
It's no secret that Troy and I have had fertility issues. Miscarriages, medications, doctor visits. At one point in our journey to children, having a family seemed like an achievable dream for other people, but not for me. I have always always wanted to be a mom. Ask my siblings or my parents. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I said "a mom."
The whole time I was pregnant with Avery, I just basked in BEING pregnant. I did it. I was growing a human. I felt amazing. And blessed. And beautiful. And like I was fulfilling my purpose as a woman.
But after a miscarriage and multiple rounds of medications and finally getting pregnant, in the back of my mind, SOMETHING was going to go wrong. My mind was in a downward spiral. It was like, "yay! we're pregnant." And my mind would say, "I'm just going to miscarry." Then, "yay! She's here!" And mind would say, "she's just going to die of SIDS." My mind was desperately trying to protect my heart and make sure I didn't get attached to her because I was so convinced that I wasn't worthy of such a gift.
The day Avery was born was a total blur. They broke my water and started my pitocin drip at 9am. No epidural and at 11:07 (that's right, 2cm to 10cm in less than 2 hours...I almost died) Avery was born. Troy immediately started bawling. My mom immediately started bawling. And all I could think was, "dude, where's lunch? This is serious. Get a menu." I was starving. Isn't that awful?
I said all the right things and posed for all the pictures, but in my mind, I kept thinking, this can't be my life. I can't believe we finally did this. It was surreal. We had a baby. What's going to go wrong now? For 6 months, I waited. I waited for something to go wrong. I waited for her to die. I waited for Troy to be paralyzed in a horrible car accident. I kept anticipating something bad. And living on the edge of my seat.
But everything was fine. She was perfect.
Now I don't want anyone to think I had postpartum depression. I definitely did not. I think I was traumatized from such a deep desire for having children and then miscarrying while Troy was deployed. I just kept thinking that it was never going to happen, and then when it did, all my body wanted to do was protect itself from feeling that pain ever again. If I felt that bad from losing a pregnancy, how much worse would it be when I lost an ACTUAL baby? So instead, I built a wall around myself from Avery, so she couldn't hurt me when she died. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be a Mom. Maybe we were too aggressive with fertility medications. If God wanted me to be a mom, wouldn't he have given me the ability to do it naturally? Is he going to take her from me?
I look at her now and I cannot believe how many snuggles and late night feedings I spent just looking at her feeling detached and not letting myself love her. She is such a joy and so smart. I look at her face and I cannot believe the little parts of Troy or myself that I see in her. It's SUCH a miracle. My love for her was a slow growing miracle. I didn't have a "God moment" when she was born. I hate that I missed out on 6 months of love, but the feeling of it slowly washing over me has been more than I could have hoped for. It snuck up on me with no loud announcement or warning. God made no mistake. Troy and I are the perfect parents for Avery and we had to do the sowing before the harvest. Put in the work to get the prize.
I say this now because so many horrible things have happened this pregnancy. And now it seems that everything might actually be okay. I really hope that I feel that "instant love" and connection that so many people talk about. Cause I totally missed out the first time around. Knowing that this is MOST LIKELY my last pregnancy, I don't want to miss out on baby snuggles or take them for granted. I want to be excited to get up and nurse in the middle of the night because I'll know it's just mommy/baby time. I just want to feel SOMETHING other than pure fear and impending doom.
With Avery's sweet personality and attitude, it's so easy to love her. To think that I am growing 2 MORE people who will have different personalities and attitudes, it's a miracle. To think that one day, not too long from now, Troy and I will start nurturing 2 more little miracles that will one day talk to us, and have opinions, and give us hugs and butterfly kisses fills my heart with so much joy. I just hope that my mind and fear don't try and rob me of the joy of their infancy.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Pregnancy 1 and Pregnancy 2 - What's the Difference?
I had my "halfway" mark BIG ultrasound yesterday. CRAZY. I can't believe I'm more than 20 weeks. The ultrasound went awesome and there was a pediatric cardiology perinatologist there. That's a mouthful, huh? The babies hearts are perfect. The specialist and the ultrasound tech said that everything in my ultrasound was textbook perfect. Finally some good news :)
It's so easy to forget you're growing people when you just feel like you're getting huge. Then you have an ultrasound like that and it slaps you in the face that you're GROWING HUMAN BEINGS! And they're perfect!
But I have noticed some huge differences this time around as far and how I feel and work and clothes and food and weight, etc.
1. I am huge. There is no way around it. When I was 20 weeks with Avery, I was still in my regular clothes. This time, I have been in maternity clothes since about 12 weeks. Troy keeps joking that I am only a single family home right now but by the end I'll be a child care center...yay! This is me at 20 weeks with Avery:
And me at 20 weeks with the twins:
Big difference, huh?
2. I am SO much more concerned about my weight than I was with Avery. And I shouldn't be because this time I'm growing 2 people, not just one. With Avery, I gained a total of 31 pounds and was back in my pre-pregnancy clothes after about a month. I asked my doctor how much weight I should be shooting to gain and this is what he said: "It's always you skinny people who care about your weight. I don't want you to think about it. Eat when you want, sit when you want, do what you want. If you get OVER 200 pounds, we will have a talk." For the record, if I get over 200 pounds, I will have gained 54 pounds. So far I'm up 21. 1 pound per week thus far. It's just a SCARY amount of weight to me in total. Troy is constantly trying to get me to eat more, drink more, sit more. It's really hard. He was not this annoying with Avery.
3. Speaking of annoying, I am MUCH more irritable. My patience is SO thin. This may also be related to the fact that my "hunger timing" is really quick. As in, if I get hungry, STAY OUT OF THE WAY and feed me. I get "hangry." Hungry-angry. It was not that bad with Avery. In addition, if you know Troy, you know that he likes to give me a hard time, be a jokester, and is generally an easy going guy. I do not have patience for his little word games and teasing. I will kill you.
4. Dude. Being pregnant and having a toddler is no joke. With Avery, if I needed a nap, I took one. If I needed second breakfast or second lunch or second dinner, no big deal. I got time. I can run out and grab something. Now, it's like, my needs have to wait. Going to work is SO much easier than being home. All my coworkers and the rehab techs are so quick to help with heavy transfers or dependent showers. At home, I'm up and down off the floor, lifting her in and out of the carseat, on and off the toilet, bending down to pick up toys or other messes, moving laundry, etc. And Troy is at work, so I'm alone. Seriously. All of you moms who have multiple kids and are pregnant, you are my heroes. It is seriously hard.
5. ROUND LIGAMENT PAIN. Holy guacamole. I had NONE with Avery. Speaking of which, I had NO pain with Avery. Ever. Anyone who knew me when I was pregnant with Avery knew that it didn't slow me down, I never complained. It was just a phase to get a baby. I was like, "meh, what's the big deal? This pregnancy thing is EASY! I could do it a hundred more times." This time, the round ligament pain is absolutely CRIPPLING. And there is nothing I can do about it. My hips kill. The steps in our house SUCK. Hard. The good news is, I'm still sleeping awesome. WIN!
6. I had zero nausea with Avery. I had some food aversions, but nothing that made my stomach roll. I was lucky again. No barfing. But in my first trimester, I seriously could NOT eat, smell, or be around meat. Especially chicken. The shreddy texture of it was disgusting. And I normally LOVE fresh spinach. Yeah, right. GROSS. It just seemed mushy and smelled dirty. All I wanted in my first trimester was french fries and a double cheeseburger from McDonald's. Truth. I'm over it now. I can eat whatever and am a pretty low maintenance eater.
7. CLOTHES! With Avery, I worked full time and borrowed almost all of the clothes I wore. I wore a lot of Troy's clothes (I had to wear collared shirts to work and wore his polos) and only wore fun clothes on weekends. Maybe. Ok, just to church. Otherwise I just wore Troy's t-shirts and work out shorts. I am only working about 20-24 hours a week right now. With more down time and going out with Avery, that means I have to get dressed. I guess. So this time I have bought a LOT more clothes. I am also pregnant in Las Vegas in the summer. Which means buying more shorts and tank tops. Old Navy maternity clearance is my friend. Getting dressed is a lot more fun this time around. I bought a pair of maternity overalls. They're AWESOME. Unfortunately, I bought all the same sizes that I wore with Avery. They fit now...buuuuut give it about 6 weeks. We'll see what happens then. I just hope that I don't wind up like a beached whale, naked in my bed, wrapped in only a sheet because none of my clothes fit. Seriously, I have nightmares about it.
So far, those are the big things I've noticed. I'm sure there will be more. Talk to you all very soon :)
It's so easy to forget you're growing people when you just feel like you're getting huge. Then you have an ultrasound like that and it slaps you in the face that you're GROWING HUMAN BEINGS! And they're perfect!
But I have noticed some huge differences this time around as far and how I feel and work and clothes and food and weight, etc.
1. I am huge. There is no way around it. When I was 20 weeks with Avery, I was still in my regular clothes. This time, I have been in maternity clothes since about 12 weeks. Troy keeps joking that I am only a single family home right now but by the end I'll be a child care center...yay! This is me at 20 weeks with Avery:
And me at 20 weeks with the twins:
Big difference, huh?
2. I am SO much more concerned about my weight than I was with Avery. And I shouldn't be because this time I'm growing 2 people, not just one. With Avery, I gained a total of 31 pounds and was back in my pre-pregnancy clothes after about a month. I asked my doctor how much weight I should be shooting to gain and this is what he said: "It's always you skinny people who care about your weight. I don't want you to think about it. Eat when you want, sit when you want, do what you want. If you get OVER 200 pounds, we will have a talk." For the record, if I get over 200 pounds, I will have gained 54 pounds. So far I'm up 21. 1 pound per week thus far. It's just a SCARY amount of weight to me in total. Troy is constantly trying to get me to eat more, drink more, sit more. It's really hard. He was not this annoying with Avery.
3. Speaking of annoying, I am MUCH more irritable. My patience is SO thin. This may also be related to the fact that my "hunger timing" is really quick. As in, if I get hungry, STAY OUT OF THE WAY and feed me. I get "hangry." Hungry-angry. It was not that bad with Avery. In addition, if you know Troy, you know that he likes to give me a hard time, be a jokester, and is generally an easy going guy. I do not have patience for his little word games and teasing. I will kill you.
4. Dude. Being pregnant and having a toddler is no joke. With Avery, if I needed a nap, I took one. If I needed second breakfast or second lunch or second dinner, no big deal. I got time. I can run out and grab something. Now, it's like, my needs have to wait. Going to work is SO much easier than being home. All my coworkers and the rehab techs are so quick to help with heavy transfers or dependent showers. At home, I'm up and down off the floor, lifting her in and out of the carseat, on and off the toilet, bending down to pick up toys or other messes, moving laundry, etc. And Troy is at work, so I'm alone. Seriously. All of you moms who have multiple kids and are pregnant, you are my heroes. It is seriously hard.
5. ROUND LIGAMENT PAIN. Holy guacamole. I had NONE with Avery. Speaking of which, I had NO pain with Avery. Ever. Anyone who knew me when I was pregnant with Avery knew that it didn't slow me down, I never complained. It was just a phase to get a baby. I was like, "meh, what's the big deal? This pregnancy thing is EASY! I could do it a hundred more times." This time, the round ligament pain is absolutely CRIPPLING. And there is nothing I can do about it. My hips kill. The steps in our house SUCK. Hard. The good news is, I'm still sleeping awesome. WIN!
6. I had zero nausea with Avery. I had some food aversions, but nothing that made my stomach roll. I was lucky again. No barfing. But in my first trimester, I seriously could NOT eat, smell, or be around meat. Especially chicken. The shreddy texture of it was disgusting. And I normally LOVE fresh spinach. Yeah, right. GROSS. It just seemed mushy and smelled dirty. All I wanted in my first trimester was french fries and a double cheeseburger from McDonald's. Truth. I'm over it now. I can eat whatever and am a pretty low maintenance eater.
7. CLOTHES! With Avery, I worked full time and borrowed almost all of the clothes I wore. I wore a lot of Troy's clothes (I had to wear collared shirts to work and wore his polos) and only wore fun clothes on weekends. Maybe. Ok, just to church. Otherwise I just wore Troy's t-shirts and work out shorts. I am only working about 20-24 hours a week right now. With more down time and going out with Avery, that means I have to get dressed. I guess. So this time I have bought a LOT more clothes. I am also pregnant in Las Vegas in the summer. Which means buying more shorts and tank tops. Old Navy maternity clearance is my friend. Getting dressed is a lot more fun this time around. I bought a pair of maternity overalls. They're AWESOME. Unfortunately, I bought all the same sizes that I wore with Avery. They fit now...buuuuut give it about 6 weeks. We'll see what happens then. I just hope that I don't wind up like a beached whale, naked in my bed, wrapped in only a sheet because none of my clothes fit. Seriously, I have nightmares about it.
So far, those are the big things I've noticed. I'm sure there will be more. Talk to you all very soon :)
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