Another Doctor's Appointment Today

So last night I had a horrid night. My subchorionic hemorrhage decided to rear its ugly head and bleed. All. Night. Long. All night. Like crazy.

So I didn't sleep. I called my doctor's office around 3am and the on call doctor encouraged me to go to the ER. I was like, NO. My husband is on the night shift and I'm not going by myself. Forget it. Instead, I was told to come in to the office as soon as possible.

I slept horrible. It was like every time I fell asleep my body would be like, "NOOOOO, you're bleeding, don't wreck your sheets!"

I didn't know at the time the cause of the bleeding was the hemorrhage. I was thinking it could be a of couple things.

1. The hemorrhage was emptying out before my appointment so that I would be magically healed.

2. I was losing the baby with anencephalopathy. Which, in my mind, isn't a bad thing. It would happen on God's time, I wouldn't feel like I "made the choice" for my baby to die, and I wouldn't have to undergo all the risks of a selective reduction.

3. The hemorrhage is getting bigger and taking over my entire uterus.

4. I am losing all of the babies.

So. As you can see, lots of thoughts to keep me awake.

Troy got home from work in the morning and we left for the doctor's office. We were shown right back and they took my weight, heart rate, and blood pressure. Everything was good. Then they took us into the ultrasound room. And I swear, it was only 5 minutes, but it felt like an hour waiting for her to come in.

The same ultrasound tech from last week came in and asked me about any cramping/pain/bleeding (yes bleeding, no cramping or pain). She started the ultrasound and said all 3 babies heart beats looked great and the bleed looked exactly the same.

I literally could not stop crying. I just felt like a faucet. I really, really felt like the bleed was going to shrink. I really believed it. I have been praying so hard and really felt like God was going to answer my prayers this morning. I just felt SO let down and disappointed. And I could not stop crying. Poor Troy. It was my first time really crying about this situation in a completely uncontrollable way. He just handed me tissues and rubbed my back.

The genetic anomoly and abnormality counselor came in to talk to us about some more tests that she wanted to run on the babies. We took all of the information and brochures, but ultimately, we decided that we don't want to do that. No matter what the tests said, it wouldn't change the outcome. So when we got home, we threw all the information away.

Then the doctor came back in with the ultrasound tech again. They repeated the heart rates, looked at the HUGENESS of my hemorrhage (it's 7cm by 9 cm by 2-3 cm - it kind of felt like a win to me, it was smaller than my biggest ovary!!), and tested my cervix for length and funneling.

And I could not stop crying. Just silent, huge tears rolling down my face.

The doc turned on the light and basically said "nothing has changed."

I was like, "I really wanted to hear something good and positive. This is just awful. I cut my hours at work from 40 a week to 28 and on my days off, I literally sit on the couch all day long. My house is a wreck and I can't grocery shop or do laundry. I just wanted to hear that making changes had an effect on this."

He said, "this IS new good news. Nothing is worse. You are having the active bright red bleeding, which is unfortunate, but the status quo is the same."

He was humble enough to admit when he was in a little over his head and I am seeing him for monitoring for 1 more week and then I am going to see the "boss man." He is the head of the practice and has the most experience. So that appointment is on June 3rd. I'll be exactly 15 weeks when I see "the boss man."

So basically, everything is exactly the same. No changes. Troy and I had conflicting feelings on the appointment. He thought it was great. He was like "there are 3 heart beats, 2 healthy babies, and you're not in any pain. Sounds like a good appointment to me!" And I was like, "I'm bleeding worse than a scene from Carrie, all of our friends and family are praying for us and the changes I made didn't make a bit of difference."

So. Appointment next thursday.

Please God, shrink this hemorrhage. Help me to accept whatever your will is in this situation. Help me to stay positive and keep these babies safe and healthy. I don't understand why this is so hard, but I know that your hand will guide us and comfort us. Please give me the strength to stop crying and be accepting of your plan for my life.