Things I Learned on My Trip - Part 3

3. I don't want any more babies.

A couple things. I love love love my babies. BUT, I had a hard time enjoying Avery as an infant because I was so worried about her dying (please read this if you have not). I had a hard time enjoying the twins as infants because I was just trying to keep my head above water.

Somewhere in my head, I decided that I wanted another baby. Just one. Because I felt like I missed out on ENJOYING the baby thing because I was trying to avoid an absolute total anxiety attack/mental breakdown to keep my babies alive and fed and clean. On 4 hours of sleep a night. While working a few days a week.

As it turns out, you know what I don't miss? Carrying around a baby all the time. My house looking like a daycare with swings and high chairs and bouncy chairs and exersaucers. Trying to adjust to a whole new person added to your family dynamic and routine. And the panic feeling during the witching hour slow approach...watching the clock with impending doom. STOPPING EVERYTHING to feed the baby or to sit and nurse. Having spit up on my clothes at all times. Being up to my elbows in poop. Listening to crying and not knowing what to do to fix it. Loading a stroller (or 2) in and out of the car 10 times just to run errands. Making baby food.

You know what I love about my kids?

We can all walk together. Avery can hold one of the twins' hands and I hold another hand and we can WALK into the store. They can fetch things for me. They can play INDEPENDENTLY. They can play together. They sleep 12 hours at night. Avery goes to school. They feed themselves with set up. Avery does her WHOLE bedtime routine by herself. We are DONE with all the large baby gear items. DONE. The twins are talking and have these personalities that are SO adorable and different, I'm ready to punch them and chew their faces off. AVERY IS READING. They can wear dresses now because they walk all the time and don't get their knees stuck in the front. THEY UNDERSTAND NO. I don't bring a stroller anywhere anymore. They hug each other (be still my heart). They blow kisses.

Now. Don't misunderstand. I love love love me some babies. But hanging out with Kristen for a week when we were BUSY, just made me like, I'm ready to be done. Her 5 month old was a solid reminder to me of everything that we have survived through. And I'm ready to go forward and not look back. Except for when my friends or family have babies and I can snuggle them and give them back. Because I love little babies.

I'm excited to move to the next phase of kid fun. The phase of bigger kid activities. Skiing. Skating. Bowling. Arts and crafts. Museums. Learning. Having grown up conversations about kindness, Jesus, friendship, and bad things that happen. And why we have boogers. I'm just ready to do the big kid stuff.

Troy was SO relieved to hear me say it outloud. Because before I went, I was mourning the baby phase. Pathetically. Every few weeks, I was like, "um, so I want a baby still." Troy would just ignore me. And now I kind of feel like a grandparent to my friends who have babies. I get to snuggle them, smell them, coo at them and when it's time to get down to serious business, give them back. It was a relief.