Friday, September 20, 2013

I'm Not Ready. Physically or Emotionally.

Whenever I talk to someone, they always ask, "So how are you feeling?"

Such a loaded question. And I NEVER know what to say. Like, am I in pain? How am I handling bed rest? How am I feeling as a mom? As a wife? How are the babies? Are you ready for the babies to come?

The short answers are: sometimes, it's okay, like crap, like crap, they're great and growing, and no.

Several things are going on here.

1. I feel like the worst mom. Ever. My Avery is LOVING dress up right now. And she puts on her princess dress and walks up to me and says "dance with me!" And I'm like, "sorry baby, dance with Daddy." Or she wants me to take her to the potty or help her wash her hands. And I'm like, "sorry baby, do it with ______," which is any number of people who have graciously agreed to help us. I'm not making her breakfast, putting her down for naps, taking her to the park, or chasing her naked butt up the stairs. Because if she's not playing dress up, she's going through a naked phase. The only thing I've been doing is taking a bath with her. Which is amazing! We play in the tub for about 30 minutes every other night. With supervision.

Me at 30 weeks with Avery:

2. I am the worst wife. I haven't cooked a meal in about 6 weeks. Or grocery shopped. Or done a load of laundry. I'm folding laundry, but that's it. I feel like such a nag. One of our friends is visiting from California right now for a week to help and she asked me, "so, what do you want for dinner tonight?" Um...well I haven't been to the grocery store in 2 months OR opened the refrigerator or pantry so I'm not sure what's in the house. I would LOVE to help DECIDE on a meal, but ultimately, I have NO clue what is actually in the house available to make a semi-put-together meal. I don't know where my cleaning supplies are. Don't get me wrong, I am SO grateful for all the help we've had, but my control issues are kicking into high gear. We ran out of toilet paper last week. That has NEVER happened. This whole "bed rest" thing is just a test on my need to control everything and know where everything is.

3. How is bed rest? Eh, it's okay. Honestly. It's a little boring and the days drag sometimes. I'm doing a lot of reading. My mom gave me her amazon passwords so that I could raid her kindle library and that has been awesome. I downloaded Candy Crush to my phone and that's addicting. Until I run out of lives and have to wait for more to load. Troy and I are watching Breaking Bad on Netflix. WOAH, it's amazing. I've been watching Ellen everyday. LOVE HER. I'm knitting some. Doing some word finds.

Me at ALMOST 30 weeks with the twins:

4. In GOOD news, I was complaining about being bored to my doctor and he was like, "well what do you want to do that you feel like would improve your quality of life at home?" I said, "Go out to eat, or go to a movie, or go to church or something." And he said, "YES, YES, and YES." WHAT!?!??! His rule is, get dropped off at the door, sit the WHOLE time, and get picked up at the door. Only one outing per day. If I have a doctor's appointment, that counts as my outing. Which is twice a week. DONE! I went to our small group bible study one day, got a pedicure one day, and went to Target and rode in the riding cart one day. That was about two weeks ago and I've been on 3 field trips. It makes me feel better and not so trapped.

5. I am NOT ready for these babies. At all. In reality, the babies could come ANY time. We are out of the huge danger zone with neurological and respiratory issues for the girls. About a month before Avery's due date, I felt SO ready, mentally and physically, for her to be born. This time, I'm in COMPLETE denial. Troy keeps asking me to pack a bag for the hospital and I'm like, NOPE! Like, if I do, I'm accepting that they could come and if I don't, I can hold them off. Pffft. Like me NOT packing a bag is going to hold them in. We have bought NOTHING except cribs. The nursery is mostly set up. But we have NO diapers, no pacifiers, no wipes, no stroller. I had that stuff unpacked, ready, and had read the manuals a month before Avery was born. I don't know where my breast pump is. It's in the house somewhere and I know I'm going to need it immediately because I'm expecting the girls to be in the hospital a few days to weeks before they come home. And probably not able to feed directly from me, so I am going to be attached to that pump until we all get the green light to breastfeed. I know intellectually that I'm pregnant, but it's like in my mind, I'm in total denial. I haven't accepted that I'm about to do the infant thing. X2. With a toddler this time. I need a reality check. A big one. I'm waiting for the enormity of this to hit me. I've always been a pretty relaxed mom and a lot of things don't get under my skin, so I can't decide if I just feel confident that I know what I'm doing this time (which is CRAZY) or if I'm just actually crazy. I feel excited though. Like really excited. I just keep thinking I should be more scared or feel more like I need to get organized. Maybe this whole, "not having control" of my house is helping me go with the flow a little more this time. Who knows?

The great news is, the babies are growing and looking great. I've been going to my appointments and the doctor, ultrasound techs, and nurses are thrilled with how things are going right now. My butt has little bruises all over it from my shots. But the amniotic fluid looks good, they are practicing breathing in there, they have increased heart rates during monitoring, and have great movement. My hips are stretching beyond anything natural, so OUCH. But otherwise, things are looking up.

I mean, all the pregnancy horrors that I hear about, I have avoided. Being pregnant, it is expected to have a certain amount of discomfort and weight gain, etc. So far, no swelling feet, no skin tags, no stretch marks, no crazy weight gain (although I now weigh more than Troy which is depressing), no morning sickness, and no problems breathing. All in all, I feel really really lucky. I mean other than the whole cerclage and bed rest thing. But hey, it's all small potatoes for healthy, fatter babies :)

Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts. We feel them all and know that you are helping make a difference.

1 comment:

  1. Thinking of you all and keeping you in my prayers.


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