So, I have some running stats on the home page of the blog where I do all the behind the scenes and design stuff. Trust me, the blog that you see does NOT look that way when I write it.
I have a place where there are running stats on the blog. Like how many hits per day, the post with the highest number of hits, the countries that people are located in while reading the blog, and what operating system they use (windows, a mobile device, etc).
There is also a part that tells me what keyword/phrase they typed into Google/Bing/Yahoo to find the blog. There are some interesting ones. That make me laugh really hard. Some are super inappropriate. Some are useful.
Mostly, the things that come up make me realize the WEIRD things that people google.
1. Where is my ovary?
This is clearly an image search. With a REALLY high ranking on google images.
2. What is hormonal mess?
Me. Obviously.
3. How can I help my hormonal teenager daughter?
Great. I'm giving parenting advice to parents of teenagers. And I don't have any. This may be a little premature, all of you Googlers out there. Hit me back in 10 years. Hopefully never.
4. Dog balding with little black spots
That is related to Optimus's episode of alopecia. Poor guy.
5. Elective reduction risks
The is my MOST popular search word. The second is severe ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. Google image that my friends. I am pasted all up over that.
6. Purple sock vag
No comment. When did I ever talk about vaginas. And purple socks. People are freaks.
7. Nose pinch
What?
8. Alien mucus
This is from when the babies were sick and blowing big snot bubbles the size of their heads.
9. Big hip bald ass
What the what? Again. There's some freaks out there.
10. Boobs without cloths
The had to be a pre-teen who didn't know how to type "naked chicks." Or spell "clothes."
Showing posts with label Weird Stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weird Stuff. Show all posts
Monday, May 12, 2014
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Uncle Si/Duck Dynasty
Troy's parents were SUPER active in youth group when we were growing up. He has made a point to be involved with the youth at our local churches whenever we move. Here are a couple theme night pictures from other events.
Troy as Mr. Incredible with Jim as Batman:
And yes, I volunteered as well, but haven't since Avery was born. Here is Troy and me on Cowboys and Indians night.
As further proof, here is me as a Kangaroo (cause I'm preggo) and Jon as a Gorilla on animal night:
But really, this post is about Troy and is total commitment to a theme night.
So, Troy volunteers with the youth group at our church here in Las Vegas. He goes to their weekly house group meetings for bible study. Every grade has a house in the community that is offered up to the church for the youth. Troy goes to the house for 11th grade boys.
As part of their outreach, the house groups had a theme day during the sunday youth church service. The service is at 11am and is usually 100+ high school kids. It's a full service with their own praise band that is members of the youth group and a sermon and communion and everything. Most of the house groups have about 10-20 kids that go to each house for each gender. For example, Troy works with the 11th grade boys and they usually have about 10-12 kids there. They are trying to encourage more kids to attend house group, so they had a theme day on sunday for house groups.
Each house group picked their own theme and Troy's house picked "Duck Dynasty." Troy was VERY excited and went all out. He dressed up as Uncle Si and even brought the teal cup with a container of sweet tea.
I was dying. He was looking up Uncle Si quotes so that he could spit them out at youth group.
Troy went to Buffalo Wild Wings and picked up "duck wings" for their themed table. Troy was in charge of food for the house table and the 11th grade girls leader (they meet at the same house and so the whole grade had the same theme) was in charge of decorations for the table. I think they did awesome.
Those were all taken with an iphone, so sorry about the quality. But seriously, how funny is that?
And here is a video. Because you know, Troy is the best. I mean, Uncle Si.
Troy as Mr. Incredible with Jim as Batman:
And yes, I volunteered as well, but haven't since Avery was born. Here is Troy and me on Cowboys and Indians night.
As further proof, here is me as a Kangaroo (cause I'm preggo) and Jon as a Gorilla on animal night:
But really, this post is about Troy and is total commitment to a theme night.
So, Troy volunteers with the youth group at our church here in Las Vegas. He goes to their weekly house group meetings for bible study. Every grade has a house in the community that is offered up to the church for the youth. Troy goes to the house for 11th grade boys.
As part of their outreach, the house groups had a theme day during the sunday youth church service. The service is at 11am and is usually 100+ high school kids. It's a full service with their own praise band that is members of the youth group and a sermon and communion and everything. Most of the house groups have about 10-20 kids that go to each house for each gender. For example, Troy works with the 11th grade boys and they usually have about 10-12 kids there. They are trying to encourage more kids to attend house group, so they had a theme day on sunday for house groups.
Each house group picked their own theme and Troy's house picked "Duck Dynasty." Troy was VERY excited and went all out. He dressed up as Uncle Si and even brought the teal cup with a container of sweet tea.
I was dying. He was looking up Uncle Si quotes so that he could spit them out at youth group.
Troy went to Buffalo Wild Wings and picked up "duck wings" for their themed table. Troy was in charge of food for the house table and the 11th grade girls leader (they meet at the same house and so the whole grade had the same theme) was in charge of decorations for the table. I think they did awesome.
Those were all taken with an iphone, so sorry about the quality. But seriously, how funny is that?
And here is a video. Because you know, Troy is the best. I mean, Uncle Si.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
I Got Stuck on the Floor in the Shower
I'm not allowed to take showers unsupervised. Just in case I need help. I have thought this was a stupid rule previously.
Troy promised me that if I could keep it together and keep the babies in until 30 weeks, I could go to the prenatal spa that is attached to my doctor's office for a massage. Last week, I finally went! YAY! It was awesome. But like any paranoid woman who gets a pedicure or massage, you don't want to be the wildabeast/sasquatch who shows up with hairy legs.
Now, any kind of lower body hygiene is becoming a challenge due to the size of this massive belly. I have never been someone who can prop their leg up on the side of tub and shave. I have ALWAYS sat down in the tub. Always. Even in my college dorm. Gross, right?
I hadn't shaved my legs in about 2-3 weeks and it was craaaaaazy gross. So I sit down in my shower. It looks like this:
I got shaved up, all proud of myself, even though it took 20 minutes and some yoga/pretzel positioning. I use conditioner to shave. It works just as well as shaving cream and is cheaper. And keeps the clutter down in my shower. Win-win, right? Except in this situation. When I attempted to stand up, the floor was SOOOO slippery and there was NO way I could stand without assistance. I got stuck here:
I was feeling pretty embarrassed. Like, beached whale embarrassed. So I sat in the bottom of the tub and washed my face and conditioned my hair. And then I sat there for another couple of minutes trying to figure out if there was a way for me to get up without calling out Troy, who was reading in our bed. After conditioning my hair, the tub was even more slippery and now my body felt a little slippery too. There was NO way.
So, I tentatively called out to Troy. He stuck his head in and saw me looking pathetic on the floor. I didn't even tell him what happened...he already knew. He just opened the shower door and said, "Honey, do you need help getting up?" "Yeah."
So he helped me up and stood there watching me dry off and get dressed...judging me.
The next day, he and Avery went to Walmart because he needed a Duck Dynasty beard for church. Seriously. I'll put up pictures tomorrow of THAT. For sure. He came home with his beard and a shower chair.
I still shower with supervision and now I am sitting for all my showers. Not just to shave. You'd think I'd be cool with using an adaptive device, seeing as how I'm an Occupational Therapist and that's kind of my job. Buuuuuuuuuuut, I just feel like an invalid. APPARENTLY, it's safer. And not going to lie, my shower last night with the chair with pretty relaxing. And my feet didn't turn into sausages. And my feet and legs don't feel like they're going to explode after standing for 10 minutes. Because a shower is the longest period of time I stand for all day. Yep.
I'll be 32 weeks on monday! YAY!
Troy promised me that if I could keep it together and keep the babies in until 30 weeks, I could go to the prenatal spa that is attached to my doctor's office for a massage. Last week, I finally went! YAY! It was awesome. But like any paranoid woman who gets a pedicure or massage, you don't want to be the wildabeast/sasquatch who shows up with hairy legs.
Now, any kind of lower body hygiene is becoming a challenge due to the size of this massive belly. I have never been someone who can prop their leg up on the side of tub and shave. I have ALWAYS sat down in the tub. Always. Even in my college dorm. Gross, right?
I hadn't shaved my legs in about 2-3 weeks and it was craaaaaazy gross. So I sit down in my shower. It looks like this:
I got shaved up, all proud of myself, even though it took 20 minutes and some yoga/pretzel positioning. I use conditioner to shave. It works just as well as shaving cream and is cheaper. And keeps the clutter down in my shower. Win-win, right? Except in this situation. When I attempted to stand up, the floor was SOOOO slippery and there was NO way I could stand without assistance. I got stuck here:
I was feeling pretty embarrassed. Like, beached whale embarrassed. So I sat in the bottom of the tub and washed my face and conditioned my hair. And then I sat there for another couple of minutes trying to figure out if there was a way for me to get up without calling out Troy, who was reading in our bed. After conditioning my hair, the tub was even more slippery and now my body felt a little slippery too. There was NO way.
So, I tentatively called out to Troy. He stuck his head in and saw me looking pathetic on the floor. I didn't even tell him what happened...he already knew. He just opened the shower door and said, "Honey, do you need help getting up?" "Yeah."
So he helped me up and stood there watching me dry off and get dressed...judging me.
The next day, he and Avery went to Walmart because he needed a Duck Dynasty beard for church. Seriously. I'll put up pictures tomorrow of THAT. For sure. He came home with his beard and a shower chair.
I still shower with supervision and now I am sitting for all my showers. Not just to shave. You'd think I'd be cool with using an adaptive device, seeing as how I'm an Occupational Therapist and that's kind of my job. Buuuuuuuuuuut, I just feel like an invalid. APPARENTLY, it's safer. And not going to lie, my shower last night with the chair with pretty relaxing. And my feet didn't turn into sausages. And my feet and legs don't feel like they're going to explode after standing for 10 minutes. Because a shower is the longest period of time I stand for all day. Yep.
I'll be 32 weeks on monday! YAY!
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Shaving the Couch
So, in case you didn't hear, I'm on strict bed rest. I basically wake up, take a shower, get dressed, and head to couch for the rest of the day. Only to get up to get water and food and go to the bathroom. It pretty much sucks because the state of my house is out of my control, which drives me nutso.
We bought a sectional a few months ago and I'm not sure what the material is, but Optimus's feet are making it pill up like a bad Christmas sweater. It used to get on my nerves, but now that I am spending 12+ hours a day lounging, eating, and sleeping on the couch, I cannot STAND it.
Do you see that? The little balls of fabric all over the place? It's our own fault for allowing our dog on the couch, but he's a member of our family and Avery (and Troy) like to use him as a pillow, so he stays on the couch for snuggles. But, oh LORD his rough paws are trashing the fabric.
I got on Amazon and bought a sweater shaver. I figured, I'm sitting here all day, reading and watching TV. SURELY I can make time to "shave the couch." It arrived in 2 days. THANK YOU AMAZON PRIME! And now my cushions look like this!
Here is a picture of the couch with the far cushion cleaned up and the close cushion ready to be shaved.
This is after about 20 dumps of the little container of pilled fabric. Gross huh? But the couch looks gorgeous again. I'd say that was worth the $8.50! Thanks Amazon! It took about 3 hours, but eh, I wasn't doing anything else.
We bought a sectional a few months ago and I'm not sure what the material is, but Optimus's feet are making it pill up like a bad Christmas sweater. It used to get on my nerves, but now that I am spending 12+ hours a day lounging, eating, and sleeping on the couch, I cannot STAND it.
Do you see that? The little balls of fabric all over the place? It's our own fault for allowing our dog on the couch, but he's a member of our family and Avery (and Troy) like to use him as a pillow, so he stays on the couch for snuggles. But, oh LORD his rough paws are trashing the fabric.
I got on Amazon and bought a sweater shaver. I figured, I'm sitting here all day, reading and watching TV. SURELY I can make time to "shave the couch." It arrived in 2 days. THANK YOU AMAZON PRIME! And now my cushions look like this!
Here is a picture of the couch with the far cushion cleaned up and the close cushion ready to be shaved.
This is after about 20 dumps of the little container of pilled fabric. Gross huh? But the couch looks gorgeous again. I'd say that was worth the $8.50! Thanks Amazon! It took about 3 hours, but eh, I wasn't doing anything else.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Thank God for Her Puddle Jumper
Troy's schedule is going to be weird the next few weeks. His hours are scheduled from 12noon to 8pm. He leaves for work around 11 so that doesn't give us much family time in the morning.
On Troy's first day of his crazy schedule (and me on my own for the first time since the cerclage), I decided to take Avery to the pool. I thought this was a good idea. Avery can get in/out of the car/car seat by herself, in and out of the pool, and walks in and out of the facility. And we spend some time in the sun and Avery burns off energy. And it makes my hips feel good. Win win all the way around, right? WRONG!
We get to the pool when it opens and everything is going fine. Avery wears a puddle jumper floaty (which is Coast Guard approved...and cute) and spends MOST of the time at the kiddie pool climbing out of the pool (which is about 2.5 feet deep) and jumping back in. Over and over. There is a beach walk in area on one side and it gets to about 2.5 to 3 feet on the other side. The kiddie pool has 3 lifeguards and is about 20 feet from the deep end of the big pool with the diving boards. When I take her alone, we just hang out in the kiddie pool. When Troy comes with us, he takes her to the big pool to swim and they watch the people jump off the diving board. She likes being in the pool with HIM, I think, more than being in the big pool where she can't touch the bottom, but floats great with her floaty (which we call her "Shark").
Here is Avery and Shark:
I was sitting with my back against the deep end of the kiddie pool and Avery 2-3 feet from me, jumping in and out of the pool. I would count to 3 and she would jump. Over and over.
Well, this time, she climbed out and took about 3 steps towards the big pool and pointed and said, "daddy over there?" And I said, "no, daddy's at work." And she took off RUNNING at full speed towards the big pool. I immediately stood up and tried to haul my pregnant ass out of the pool, with no ladder, 3 feet deep and started yelling her name.
Avery jumped RIGHT into the 12 foot deep end of the pool. She went down about 3 feet and floated right back to the top.
I was only halfway out of the kiddie pool when the lifeguard pulled her out. The lifeguard only had to stand on the edge and pulled her out of the deep end using the straps of her puddle jumper and another hand under butt. I got over to her and I said, "AVERY, you CANNOT swim over here alone. Are you ok?"
She looks up at me with a BIG smile and says, "that was FUN!"
Seriously? Child, I almost had a heart attack.
I felt so judged by the lifeguards. I mean, I was right there watching the whole time! It wasn't like I was sitting on a lounge chair, scrolling my Facebook newsfeed. I'm hugely pregnant and she's fast. And she had on a life jacket. I'm just not as physically able as I normally am.
I guess I have a water baby on my hands and will definitely make sure to put her in swim lessons. Like ASAP. She has no fear. None. She gets that from you, Troy...
And seriously...thank God for the puddle jumper. I recommend them to ANYONE with a child from 30-50 pounds. She loves hers and asks to put it on, even at home in the plastic baby pool. It doesn't inhibit her movement, but it's Coast Guard approved. Go buy it.
UPDATE*** Here's Troy's response when he found out. Such a dad...
On Troy's first day of his crazy schedule (and me on my own for the first time since the cerclage), I decided to take Avery to the pool. I thought this was a good idea. Avery can get in/out of the car/car seat by herself, in and out of the pool, and walks in and out of the facility. And we spend some time in the sun and Avery burns off energy. And it makes my hips feel good. Win win all the way around, right? WRONG!
We get to the pool when it opens and everything is going fine. Avery wears a puddle jumper floaty (which is Coast Guard approved...and cute) and spends MOST of the time at the kiddie pool climbing out of the pool (which is about 2.5 feet deep) and jumping back in. Over and over. There is a beach walk in area on one side and it gets to about 2.5 to 3 feet on the other side. The kiddie pool has 3 lifeguards and is about 20 feet from the deep end of the big pool with the diving boards. When I take her alone, we just hang out in the kiddie pool. When Troy comes with us, he takes her to the big pool to swim and they watch the people jump off the diving board. She likes being in the pool with HIM, I think, more than being in the big pool where she can't touch the bottom, but floats great with her floaty (which we call her "Shark").
Here is Avery and Shark:
I was sitting with my back against the deep end of the kiddie pool and Avery 2-3 feet from me, jumping in and out of the pool. I would count to 3 and she would jump. Over and over.
Well, this time, she climbed out and took about 3 steps towards the big pool and pointed and said, "daddy over there?" And I said, "no, daddy's at work." And she took off RUNNING at full speed towards the big pool. I immediately stood up and tried to haul my pregnant ass out of the pool, with no ladder, 3 feet deep and started yelling her name.
Avery jumped RIGHT into the 12 foot deep end of the pool. She went down about 3 feet and floated right back to the top.
I was only halfway out of the kiddie pool when the lifeguard pulled her out. The lifeguard only had to stand on the edge and pulled her out of the deep end using the straps of her puddle jumper and another hand under butt. I got over to her and I said, "AVERY, you CANNOT swim over here alone. Are you ok?"
She looks up at me with a BIG smile and says, "that was FUN!"
Seriously? Child, I almost had a heart attack.
I felt so judged by the lifeguards. I mean, I was right there watching the whole time! It wasn't like I was sitting on a lounge chair, scrolling my Facebook newsfeed. I'm hugely pregnant and she's fast. And she had on a life jacket. I'm just not as physically able as I normally am.
I guess I have a water baby on my hands and will definitely make sure to put her in swim lessons. Like ASAP. She has no fear. None. She gets that from you, Troy...
And seriously...thank God for the puddle jumper. I recommend them to ANYONE with a child from 30-50 pounds. She loves hers and asks to put it on, even at home in the plastic baby pool. It doesn't inhibit her movement, but it's Coast Guard approved. Go buy it.
UPDATE*** Here's Troy's response when he found out. Such a dad...
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Severe OHSS Resulting in a Paracentesis
So on saturday, March 16th, all was well. Troy, Kristen (who was visiting), Avery, and I went to a family appreciation day at Creech with Troy. There was a tour of the new facility that his squadron is moving into and a BBQ, complete with bouncy castles and sunscreen (because is was 90 degrees that day).
Everything was peachy. In fact, here is a picture of us, all looking normal, and Avery looking adorable.
Kristen and I went and saw "Safe Haven" that night, because, hello?? Whenever we're together, we always go see a movie with man candy (in this case Josh Duhamel).
On sunday morning, I woke up around 430 in some pretty bad pain. I went downstairs and got comfy in one of the recliners and watched Pitch Perfect. When I got up to go take a shower and get ready for church, I looked like this...NO kidding:
We were all shocked. I looked about 5 months pregnant. I gained 11 pounds overnight. I wasn't in a super amount of pain, BUT I was more worried about what I looked like and answering questions about "when are you due?" and "wow, are you having a boy or a girl?" That seemed like the cruelest part of the whole deal. I looked pregnant and wasn't.
Kristen and I went and got pedicures after church, which turned out to be a great decision, because I ended up spending a HUGE amount of time in a hospital gown/with swollen feet/getting ultrasounds in the next week.
I started getting uncomfortable, having more pain, and having a hard time breathing with all the fluid build up in my abdomen. So, sunday night, Troy and I headed to the ER at Nellis. I got an abdominal ultrasound, a pelvic ultrasound, a heart ultrasound, and a chest xray. Part of the danger with OHSS is the dehydration of your body while it pumps fluid into your abdomen (trying to heal your ovaries) and then your blood thickens up and you can get a clot (in your heart, lungs, brain, etc). My blood levels weren't looking great. My ovaries were 10cm and 12 cm (almost 5-6 inches each) and I had a bit of fluid around my heart and lungs. Ughhhhhhh. They sent me home with pain meds and a follow up the next morning with my fertility specialist. They had given me morphine while I was there for pain. I threw up in the street for about 5 minutes when we got home. No more morphine for me. We are not friends.
I got up monday morning and got ready for work. I weighed myself. 6 more pounds... and went to my appointment. They gave me a note to be on "light duty" at work. I gave my note to my boss and she took one look at me and sent me home. I wasn't allowed to work until this was resolved. Awesome.
I kept getting bigger and bigger. I gained 8 more pounds by tuesday.
I kept eating my high sodium and drinking gatorade. It was awful. The electrolyte drinks were all so sweet and syrupy. I tried the Pedialyte. It was SO gross. All the pain medication, salty food, and high protein was making me so constipated. I seriously started to feel like I was dying. And I felt this feeling of SO much hopelessness. I felt like I was NEVER going to shrink back. My skin hurt SO bad.
I couldn't pick up Avery. I couldn't hardly eat because my body was so swollen that there was no room in my stomach for anything. And I wasn't peeing. AT ALL. Like downing fluid, and NOTHING. All fluids straight into my belly. I could feel like skin stretching every time I ate or drank anything. I couldn't sleep because my belly would flop over and pull all my organs over. It is SO different than pregnancy, where it's all hard and baby. The pressure was building and my kidneys were getting CRUSHED. My lower back was killer.
The swelling started to spread. I wasn't allowed to wear pants. Troy was rubbing my back and he said I looked like Quasimodo because the fluid was pushing my back out at the bottom. It was CRAAAZY. My hips, butt, thighs, and knees tripled in size and none of my maternity clothes fit.
Wednesday night was the worst. WORST. I woke up around 11pm DYING. Like pain worse than labor. Crying. Screaming. Writhing in bed. Troy holding me down. Me punching him. He loaded me in the car and we went to the ER. Again.
We walked in and they thought I was in labor...I was that big and uncomfortable. Until we told them what was going on. Some of the same nurses/doctors were there from sunday night and they remembered us. They immediately gave me an IV and loaded me up with dilaudid. Thank you Jesus for dilaudid. And Zofran. They redid the pelvic ultrasound to see if my ovaries had changed (same size) and look at my abdominal fluid (there was way more). They sent me home with percocet and zofran. And another follow up with my specialist. My lab work was worse. I was taking the max dosage for pain meds every 4 hours and it was not helping.
On thursday, my fertility doc told me to wait it out through the weekend and if I was not getting better by monday, he would recommend the paracentesis to drain the fluid.
Needless to say, it was not getting better.
Sunday night, Troy told me that I was bigger that night than I was the day I delivered Avery. He was helping me in and out of bed, on and off the toilet and with showers. It was awwwwwwwful.
This is Sunday night. I was SOOOOOOO swollen.
This is me, the morning I went to Nellis for the paracentesis. And up 31 pounds in a week.
We had to wait for a bit. The doctor who checked us in at Nellis was like, "I do this procedure all the time, hold up a second and we'll have this done in a few minutes." He was contracted and didn't realize Nellis procedure for performing a paracentesis and we had to wait on the interventionist radiologist to do the procedure.
I was feeling like SUPER poop and Troy was trying to make me laugh. They told me my liver enzymes were not so great from taking all the pain meds and I needed to stop taking anything with tylenol in it. So no more percocet.
We finally got everything in order (6 hours later) and were set up in a small procedure room in the ER for the paracentesis. The doctor was WONDERFUL. He ultrasounded my belly to looked for an area where he wouldn't poke bowel, ovary, stomach, or liver. He used lidocaine to numb my skin (OUCH) and then put in the catheter to start draining the fluid out of my belly. He guessed he would remove about 2-3 liters. In the picture below, you can see where the needle is in my skin, how he pumped out the fluid manually, and then the bag (which is a 2 liter bag). The bag was emptied twice and he had me roll onto my side to move more fluid towards the drain. He ended up removing 4.5 liters of fluid. SURPRISE!!!
The hole WOULD NOT plug. I had fluid in a constant drip coming out of my belly from about 3 pm until I went to bed at 10. SO MUCH gauze. They sent us home with gauze, tape and absorbent pads for leaking. Gross.
That night, we were worried about leaking all over the bed, so Troy fashioned me an absorbent diaper. Luckily, during the night, the leaking stopped and no damage was done to our mattress or sheets :)
Since the procedure, I have been feeling 100000000% better. With WAY less pain. My abdominal muscles are trashed. A human body shouldn't go from normal to 10+ mo preggo in a week. I'm lucky I made it out with no stretch marks. I'm so vain. I'm also lucky that my friend, Kristen was here and Troy's parents were here to help with Avery. Ughhhhhh. I have an appointment at Nellis next week for another draining. They are guessing the fluid will come back. I hope not. I started having increased kidney function. So hopefully I'll just pee the fluid out now.
What are the odds of this happening? It happens to a 10th of a percent. A TENTH OF A PERCENT. Very uncommon. Odds were not in my favor. Or were they? Should I buy a lottery ticket? Or avoid skydiving?
My mom is here now because I'm still supposed to be on bedrest and I can't pick up Avery. Poor baby doesn't understand :( Love her.
Everything was peachy. In fact, here is a picture of us, all looking normal, and Avery looking adorable.
Kristen and I went and saw "Safe Haven" that night, because, hello?? Whenever we're together, we always go see a movie with man candy (in this case Josh Duhamel).
On sunday morning, I woke up around 430 in some pretty bad pain. I went downstairs and got comfy in one of the recliners and watched Pitch Perfect. When I got up to go take a shower and get ready for church, I looked like this...NO kidding:
We were all shocked. I looked about 5 months pregnant. I gained 11 pounds overnight. I wasn't in a super amount of pain, BUT I was more worried about what I looked like and answering questions about "when are you due?" and "wow, are you having a boy or a girl?" That seemed like the cruelest part of the whole deal. I looked pregnant and wasn't.
Kristen and I went and got pedicures after church, which turned out to be a great decision, because I ended up spending a HUGE amount of time in a hospital gown/with swollen feet/getting ultrasounds in the next week.
I started getting uncomfortable, having more pain, and having a hard time breathing with all the fluid build up in my abdomen. So, sunday night, Troy and I headed to the ER at Nellis. I got an abdominal ultrasound, a pelvic ultrasound, a heart ultrasound, and a chest xray. Part of the danger with OHSS is the dehydration of your body while it pumps fluid into your abdomen (trying to heal your ovaries) and then your blood thickens up and you can get a clot (in your heart, lungs, brain, etc). My blood levels weren't looking great. My ovaries were 10cm and 12 cm (almost 5-6 inches each) and I had a bit of fluid around my heart and lungs. Ughhhhhhh. They sent me home with pain meds and a follow up the next morning with my fertility specialist. They had given me morphine while I was there for pain. I threw up in the street for about 5 minutes when we got home. No more morphine for me. We are not friends.
I got up monday morning and got ready for work. I weighed myself. 6 more pounds... and went to my appointment. They gave me a note to be on "light duty" at work. I gave my note to my boss and she took one look at me and sent me home. I wasn't allowed to work until this was resolved. Awesome.
I kept getting bigger and bigger. I gained 8 more pounds by tuesday.
I kept eating my high sodium and drinking gatorade. It was awful. The electrolyte drinks were all so sweet and syrupy. I tried the Pedialyte. It was SO gross. All the pain medication, salty food, and high protein was making me so constipated. I seriously started to feel like I was dying. And I felt this feeling of SO much hopelessness. I felt like I was NEVER going to shrink back. My skin hurt SO bad.
I couldn't pick up Avery. I couldn't hardly eat because my body was so swollen that there was no room in my stomach for anything. And I wasn't peeing. AT ALL. Like downing fluid, and NOTHING. All fluids straight into my belly. I could feel like skin stretching every time I ate or drank anything. I couldn't sleep because my belly would flop over and pull all my organs over. It is SO different than pregnancy, where it's all hard and baby. The pressure was building and my kidneys were getting CRUSHED. My lower back was killer.
The swelling started to spread. I wasn't allowed to wear pants. Troy was rubbing my back and he said I looked like Quasimodo because the fluid was pushing my back out at the bottom. It was CRAAAZY. My hips, butt, thighs, and knees tripled in size and none of my maternity clothes fit.
Wednesday night was the worst. WORST. I woke up around 11pm DYING. Like pain worse than labor. Crying. Screaming. Writhing in bed. Troy holding me down. Me punching him. He loaded me in the car and we went to the ER. Again.
We walked in and they thought I was in labor...I was that big and uncomfortable. Until we told them what was going on. Some of the same nurses/doctors were there from sunday night and they remembered us. They immediately gave me an IV and loaded me up with dilaudid. Thank you Jesus for dilaudid. And Zofran. They redid the pelvic ultrasound to see if my ovaries had changed (same size) and look at my abdominal fluid (there was way more). They sent me home with percocet and zofran. And another follow up with my specialist. My lab work was worse. I was taking the max dosage for pain meds every 4 hours and it was not helping.
On thursday, my fertility doc told me to wait it out through the weekend and if I was not getting better by monday, he would recommend the paracentesis to drain the fluid.
Needless to say, it was not getting better.
Sunday night, Troy told me that I was bigger that night than I was the day I delivered Avery. He was helping me in and out of bed, on and off the toilet and with showers. It was awwwwwwwful.
This is Sunday night. I was SOOOOOOO swollen.
This is me, the morning I went to Nellis for the paracentesis. And up 31 pounds in a week.
We had to wait for a bit. The doctor who checked us in at Nellis was like, "I do this procedure all the time, hold up a second and we'll have this done in a few minutes." He was contracted and didn't realize Nellis procedure for performing a paracentesis and we had to wait on the interventionist radiologist to do the procedure.
I was feeling like SUPER poop and Troy was trying to make me laugh. They told me my liver enzymes were not so great from taking all the pain meds and I needed to stop taking anything with tylenol in it. So no more percocet.
We finally got everything in order (6 hours later) and were set up in a small procedure room in the ER for the paracentesis. The doctor was WONDERFUL. He ultrasounded my belly to looked for an area where he wouldn't poke bowel, ovary, stomach, or liver. He used lidocaine to numb my skin (OUCH) and then put in the catheter to start draining the fluid out of my belly. He guessed he would remove about 2-3 liters. In the picture below, you can see where the needle is in my skin, how he pumped out the fluid manually, and then the bag (which is a 2 liter bag). The bag was emptied twice and he had me roll onto my side to move more fluid towards the drain. He ended up removing 4.5 liters of fluid. SURPRISE!!!
The hole WOULD NOT plug. I had fluid in a constant drip coming out of my belly from about 3 pm until I went to bed at 10. SO MUCH gauze. They sent us home with gauze, tape and absorbent pads for leaking. Gross.
That night, we were worried about leaking all over the bed, so Troy fashioned me an absorbent diaper. Luckily, during the night, the leaking stopped and no damage was done to our mattress or sheets :)
Since the procedure, I have been feeling 100000000% better. With WAY less pain. My abdominal muscles are trashed. A human body shouldn't go from normal to 10+ mo preggo in a week. I'm lucky I made it out with no stretch marks. I'm so vain. I'm also lucky that my friend, Kristen was here and Troy's parents were here to help with Avery. Ughhhhhh. I have an appointment at Nellis next week for another draining. They are guessing the fluid will come back. I hope not. I started having increased kidney function. So hopefully I'll just pee the fluid out now.
What are the odds of this happening? It happens to a 10th of a percent. A TENTH OF A PERCENT. Very uncommon. Odds were not in my favor. Or were they? Should I buy a lottery ticket? Or avoid skydiving?
My mom is here now because I'm still supposed to be on bedrest and I can't pick up Avery. Poor baby doesn't understand :( Love her.
Monday, March 18, 2013
FatBooth
So Troy found this app on his phone called "Fatbooth." You take a picture of yourself, line up some lines/dots with identifying features (like your nose and bottom of your chin), press enter and it pops out an image of what you would look like if you were fat.
We definitely were able to entertain ourselves for about an hour.
And since we were so entertained, I decided to share our masterpieces with you all. Lucky lucky you!
Here is me looking SO hot:
And of course, we couldn't leave Avery out of the fun:
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA - I'm dying. SO funny.
And here's Troy:
And because he coudn't just stop at one:
We were all having so much fun, we went ahead and let Optimus in on the fun...OH YES WE DID! It didn't work so well for him, in terms of "fatting" him up, but funny all the same:
I hope today's post made you smile!!
We definitely were able to entertain ourselves for about an hour.
And since we were so entertained, I decided to share our masterpieces with you all. Lucky lucky you!
Here is me looking SO hot:
And of course, we couldn't leave Avery out of the fun:
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA - I'm dying. SO funny.
And here's Troy:
And because he coudn't just stop at one:
We were all having so much fun, we went ahead and let Optimus in on the fun...OH YES WE DID! It didn't work so well for him, in terms of "fatting" him up, but funny all the same:
I hope today's post made you smile!!
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
And NOW My Ovary is the Size of a Grapefruit...
Here's another fertility update. WARNING: Contains girly info and a kind of awkward picture...
So I finished my second round of Follistim. I had 5 mature eggs and Troy and I decided to go ahead with the insemination this round. My whole cycle went PERFECTLY. No weird spotting or random problems like last time.
So now we are in the "waiting" time frame of my cycle. Where we have done everything and are just waiting for the pregnancy test day. LONGEST DAYS EVER.
As a new development, I now have developed Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. Basically, during fertility cycles, especially ones where gonadotropins (like Follistim) are used, there is a 10% chance of the ovaries going a little bonkers. I am one of those 10%. As a result, I am in excruciating pain when I bend, sit, lift, stand, move suddenly, or pretty much do anything.
Here comes the awkward picture of my stomach. I'm laying down, so you can see how big my ovary is when gravity is actually holding it inside my body. It's HUUUUGE.
I talked to my doctor about it and I am now on a high sodium/limited water diet. One of the scary things about OHSS, is that if you intake too much water, your ovaries hold onto it and you can gain 2+ pounds per day. As a result, I literally look about 4-5 months pregnant right now. Isn't that just a cruel joke?
As a bonus, I am already a desert creature and don't require much water, AND my doctor was like, "eat as many potato chips, french fries and, and gatorade as you want, but almost NO water." So pretty, much I get to eat like a 13 yo old boy. Which lets be honest, is AWESOME. I mean, it's practically prescribed to eat unhealthy!
So I just want the swelling of my ovary to go down. As much as I love yoga pants and scrubs...sometimes I just don't want to wear pajamas. I also feel disgusting. As much as a high sodium diet appeals to me, it also is making me swell all over. The sodium is supposed to draw the fluid out of my ovaries and into my blood stream where my kidneys can filter it out.
YAY DRUG SIDE EFFECTS!
please please please please please God let me be pregnant this time so that I don't feel like I went through all this for nothing. pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease
So I finished my second round of Follistim. I had 5 mature eggs and Troy and I decided to go ahead with the insemination this round. My whole cycle went PERFECTLY. No weird spotting or random problems like last time.
So now we are in the "waiting" time frame of my cycle. Where we have done everything and are just waiting for the pregnancy test day. LONGEST DAYS EVER.
As a new development, I now have developed Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. Basically, during fertility cycles, especially ones where gonadotropins (like Follistim) are used, there is a 10% chance of the ovaries going a little bonkers. I am one of those 10%. As a result, I am in excruciating pain when I bend, sit, lift, stand, move suddenly, or pretty much do anything.
Here comes the awkward picture of my stomach. I'm laying down, so you can see how big my ovary is when gravity is actually holding it inside my body. It's HUUUUGE.
I talked to my doctor about it and I am now on a high sodium/limited water diet. One of the scary things about OHSS, is that if you intake too much water, your ovaries hold onto it and you can gain 2+ pounds per day. As a result, I literally look about 4-5 months pregnant right now. Isn't that just a cruel joke?
As a bonus, I am already a desert creature and don't require much water, AND my doctor was like, "eat as many potato chips, french fries and, and gatorade as you want, but almost NO water." So pretty, much I get to eat like a 13 yo old boy. Which lets be honest, is AWESOME. I mean, it's practically prescribed to eat unhealthy!
So I just want the swelling of my ovary to go down. As much as I love yoga pants and scrubs...sometimes I just don't want to wear pajamas. I also feel disgusting. As much as a high sodium diet appeals to me, it also is making me swell all over. The sodium is supposed to draw the fluid out of my ovaries and into my blood stream where my kidneys can filter it out.
YAY DRUG SIDE EFFECTS!
please please please please please God let me be pregnant this time so that I don't feel like I went through all this for nothing. pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Troy Punched Me. Twice.
You read that right.
This is completely innocent. Really.
Troy and I read in bed every night. 99% of the time I am reading for about 30 minutes to an hour after he is done and he is falling asleep next to me.
I'm not really sure how common this is for other people, but Troy is a twitcher. Like, when he is falling asleep, his WHOLE body jerks a little bit. I have been told that people who are really active (or a runner, like Troy) have the twitches when they fall asleep because it's their body's way of "calming down." Troy does it REALLY bad when he's particularly exhausted.
One night, I was reading on my back with my book resting on my chest and Troy was snuggled up to my shoulder on his side facing me. He had his hands up by his face. All of a sudden his right elbow twitches and goes into extension...RIGHT INTO MY FACE.
Natalie: DAMN IT TROY!!!
Troy: Huh, what?
Natalie: YOU PUNCHED ME RIGHT IN THE FACE!
Troy: Huh? Sorry, I love you.
Troy settles back in and I rub my jaw, but keep on reading. Sure enough, ten minutes later...
WHACK!! Right in the jaw.
Natalie: YOU ASS! WAKE UP AND FACE THE OTHER WAY!
Troy: Huh? Baby, I love you so much.
Natalie: NO! Don't try and snuggle me. You'll just kick me next time.
Troy: You are so mean.
Natalie: YOU punched ME!
Troy rolls over. And falls back asleep.
He doesn't remember ANY of this in the morning...
Anyone else have a twitchy spouse while they fall asleep? Anyone?
This is completely innocent. Really.
Troy and I read in bed every night. 99% of the time I am reading for about 30 minutes to an hour after he is done and he is falling asleep next to me.
I'm not really sure how common this is for other people, but Troy is a twitcher. Like, when he is falling asleep, his WHOLE body jerks a little bit. I have been told that people who are really active (or a runner, like Troy) have the twitches when they fall asleep because it's their body's way of "calming down." Troy does it REALLY bad when he's particularly exhausted.
One night, I was reading on my back with my book resting on my chest and Troy was snuggled up to my shoulder on his side facing me. He had his hands up by his face. All of a sudden his right elbow twitches and goes into extension...RIGHT INTO MY FACE.
Natalie: DAMN IT TROY!!!
Troy: Huh, what?
Natalie: YOU PUNCHED ME RIGHT IN THE FACE!
Troy: Huh? Sorry, I love you.
Troy settles back in and I rub my jaw, but keep on reading. Sure enough, ten minutes later...
WHACK!! Right in the jaw.
Natalie: YOU ASS! WAKE UP AND FACE THE OTHER WAY!
Troy: Huh? Baby, I love you so much.
Natalie: NO! Don't try and snuggle me. You'll just kick me next time.
Troy: You are so mean.
Natalie: YOU punched ME!
Troy rolls over. And falls back asleep.
He doesn't remember ANY of this in the morning...
Anyone else have a twitchy spouse while they fall asleep? Anyone?
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Troy Peed In My Purse
You read that right.
Troy and I had been married for less than 6 months. We got married in June of 2007 and he didn't go active duty until November. I was in my first year of grad school and had signed a lease to live with 2 roommates before we had even gotten engaged. SO Troy and I lived with 2 roommates our first 6 months we were married in a tiny apartment with 1 bathroom in downtown Harrisonburg, Virginia. It was AWESOME. I LOVE LOVE LOVED that apartment.
I'm pretty sure the night before was really low key. We had gone out to dinner with some friends and come home and had game night or something. Aka...this occurred and NO alcohol was involved. This is an important detail to mention because the next morning, I got up and wanted to upload my pictures from the night before off my digital camera onto my computer. For some reason, I had dropped my purse (it was smaller) into a giant tote bag that I used for school/gym/whatever when we got home the night before. It was a GIANT canvas tote bag.
I reached into the giant tote bag and started to sift through the contents of my purse and my hand was wet when I pulled my camera out. My camera had liquid dripping out of it. I looked up at the ceiling to see if it was leaking. Nothing. My bag was RIGHT underneath the wall of windows in my room so I looked to see if it was open/leaking. Nothing. I checked to see if my tote bag had an open water bottle in it. Nothing.
Now that I know it was pee, I am dreading writing this next part...
I lifted my purse out of the tote bag and started emptying the contents onto the floor so that I could separate them to dry out. I set everything on a towel and took the battery/memory card out of my camera. I took all of the cards and money out of my wallet. And I started SMELLING everything. Trying to figure out what had possibly ruined my camera and wallet.
Troy heard me shuffling around and woke up asking me what I was doing.
Troy: Babe, what are doing?
Natalie: I have water all over the inside of my school bag. I set my purse in there last night and everything is SOAKING wet.
Troy: That's weird...
Natalie: Nothing is leaking the the floor all around my bag is soaked and I'm gonna be pissed if my camera doesn't work anymore.
A few hours go by and one of our roommates, gets up and sees the contents of my purse drying on the floor.
Curt: What are you doing?
Natalie: My purse is soaked and I have NO idea what happened.
Curt: Really...hmm. Where is Troy's bathroom at home? Or in his last apartment?
Natalie: What do you mean?
Curt: Like in relation to his bed. Where is the bathroom?
(I gesture and explain)
Curt: Well there were some guys in my dorm freshman year who would get up in the middle of the night, kind of sleep walking, and they would walk to where their bathroom was at home and just pee wherever they wound up.
He gave me a moment to let it sink in.
Curt: Apparently guys get disoriented and aren't all the way awake and just pee where they think their bathroom is.
Troy is listening.
Troy: Oh no. There were a couple guys who did that in my dorm freshman year. One guy actually lifted the screen on his roommates laptop, like a toilet seat, and peed right onto the keys. Another guy peed into his laundry hamper...
Natalie: OMG. Are you saying that THIS IS PEE???
Curt says nothing both of the guys and start laughing.
Troy confirmed that this scenario is a real possibility. He thinks about it for a few hours and says that it's very very likely that this is what happened.
Troy peed in my purse, thinking it was his toilet at his apartment from college...my bag was located in the EXACT same spot as the relationship from his bed to the bathroom.
And that's how my very first digital camera was ruined. So sad...
Troy and I had been married for less than 6 months. We got married in June of 2007 and he didn't go active duty until November. I was in my first year of grad school and had signed a lease to live with 2 roommates before we had even gotten engaged. SO Troy and I lived with 2 roommates our first 6 months we were married in a tiny apartment with 1 bathroom in downtown Harrisonburg, Virginia. It was AWESOME. I LOVE LOVE LOVED that apartment.
I'm pretty sure the night before was really low key. We had gone out to dinner with some friends and come home and had game night or something. Aka...this occurred and NO alcohol was involved. This is an important detail to mention because the next morning, I got up and wanted to upload my pictures from the night before off my digital camera onto my computer. For some reason, I had dropped my purse (it was smaller) into a giant tote bag that I used for school/gym/whatever when we got home the night before. It was a GIANT canvas tote bag.
I reached into the giant tote bag and started to sift through the contents of my purse and my hand was wet when I pulled my camera out. My camera had liquid dripping out of it. I looked up at the ceiling to see if it was leaking. Nothing. My bag was RIGHT underneath the wall of windows in my room so I looked to see if it was open/leaking. Nothing. I checked to see if my tote bag had an open water bottle in it. Nothing.
Now that I know it was pee, I am dreading writing this next part...
I lifted my purse out of the tote bag and started emptying the contents onto the floor so that I could separate them to dry out. I set everything on a towel and took the battery/memory card out of my camera. I took all of the cards and money out of my wallet. And I started SMELLING everything. Trying to figure out what had possibly ruined my camera and wallet.
Troy heard me shuffling around and woke up asking me what I was doing.
Troy: Babe, what are doing?
Natalie: I have water all over the inside of my school bag. I set my purse in there last night and everything is SOAKING wet.
Troy: That's weird...
Natalie: Nothing is leaking the the floor all around my bag is soaked and I'm gonna be pissed if my camera doesn't work anymore.
A few hours go by and one of our roommates, gets up and sees the contents of my purse drying on the floor.
Curt: What are you doing?
Natalie: My purse is soaked and I have NO idea what happened.
Curt: Really...hmm. Where is Troy's bathroom at home? Or in his last apartment?
Natalie: What do you mean?
Curt: Like in relation to his bed. Where is the bathroom?
(I gesture and explain)
Curt: Well there were some guys in my dorm freshman year who would get up in the middle of the night, kind of sleep walking, and they would walk to where their bathroom was at home and just pee wherever they wound up.
He gave me a moment to let it sink in.
Curt: Apparently guys get disoriented and aren't all the way awake and just pee where they think their bathroom is.
Troy is listening.
Troy: Oh no. There were a couple guys who did that in my dorm freshman year. One guy actually lifted the screen on his roommates laptop, like a toilet seat, and peed right onto the keys. Another guy peed into his laundry hamper...
Natalie: OMG. Are you saying that THIS IS PEE???
Curt says nothing both of the guys and start laughing.
Troy confirmed that this scenario is a real possibility. He thinks about it for a few hours and says that it's very very likely that this is what happened.
Troy peed in my purse, thinking it was his toilet at his apartment from college...my bag was located in the EXACT same spot as the relationship from his bed to the bathroom.
And that's how my very first digital camera was ruined. So sad...
Monday, February 11, 2013
Things that Happen While We're Sleeping...NOT THAT!
Seeing as it is the week of Valentine's Day, I thought we could re-live some of the sweet things that have happened between Troy and me during our dating history/marriage. So, I sat down with Troy to start brainstorming, and here's the thing: We couldn't come up with anything blog-worthy. Fortunately for you all, we came up with plenty of things that happened that were ridiculous. The funny thing is, they ALL HAPPENED at night. When one or both of us should have been sleeping. Get your mind out of the gutter.
So we came up with the 10 things that happened at night, NOT involving sleeping. They're in chronological order, so the first event occurred when we were in college, the first year I lived off campus in an apartment.
Troy had come to visit me for the weekend and we had had a low key evening. We went to bed like normal and went to sleep. I also have to mention that this story is COMPLETELY told to me by Troy. I don't remember ANYTHING because I was sleeping. Even the next morning...I got nothing. Troy says that I talk in my sleep all the time, but this was one of the weirder/freakier times.
Troy says that everything was fine, and all was quiet in the apartment. He woke up because he had a "weird feeling." He noticed that I was sitting up in bed, awake (meaning my eyes were open) and I was staring across the room, above the closed door of my bedroom.
Troy: (talking in a normal voice) Natalie, what's wrong? Are you okay?
Natalie: (whispering) Shhhhhhhh
Troy: Do you have a headache?
Natalie: Shhhhhh. She'll hear you.
Troy: WHAT?! Who?
Natalie: The girl.
Troy: WHAT GIRL!?!? What are you talking about??
Natalie: There's a girl in the doorway. She's watching us. Shhhhh.
Troy: WHAT IS GOING ON? Are you okay? There's no one there. Stop.
Natalie: (suddenly loses the glazed look in eye and looks over at Troy) Huh? What are you talking about? Night night.
Troy was left sitting up in bed, completely freaked out that I had just been used as a medium in my apartment. He couldn't fall back asleep. I have no recollection of this, but every once in a while, we will be settling into bed, reading or whatever, and Troy will go, "there's a girl in the door." I jump about 6 inches off the mattress every time. Jerk.
So we came up with the 10 things that happened at night, NOT involving sleeping. They're in chronological order, so the first event occurred when we were in college, the first year I lived off campus in an apartment.
Troy had come to visit me for the weekend and we had had a low key evening. We went to bed like normal and went to sleep. I also have to mention that this story is COMPLETELY told to me by Troy. I don't remember ANYTHING because I was sleeping. Even the next morning...I got nothing. Troy says that I talk in my sleep all the time, but this was one of the weirder/freakier times.
Troy says that everything was fine, and all was quiet in the apartment. He woke up because he had a "weird feeling." He noticed that I was sitting up in bed, awake (meaning my eyes were open) and I was staring across the room, above the closed door of my bedroom.
Troy: (talking in a normal voice) Natalie, what's wrong? Are you okay?
Natalie: (whispering) Shhhhhhhh
Troy: Do you have a headache?
Natalie: Shhhhhh. She'll hear you.
Troy: WHAT?! Who?
Natalie: The girl.
Troy: WHAT GIRL!?!? What are you talking about??
Natalie: There's a girl in the doorway. She's watching us. Shhhhh.
Troy: WHAT IS GOING ON? Are you okay? There's no one there. Stop.
Natalie: (suddenly loses the glazed look in eye and looks over at Troy) Huh? What are you talking about? Night night.
Troy was left sitting up in bed, completely freaked out that I had just been used as a medium in my apartment. He couldn't fall back asleep. I have no recollection of this, but every once in a while, we will be settling into bed, reading or whatever, and Troy will go, "there's a girl in the door." I jump about 6 inches off the mattress every time. Jerk.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Another Shining Example of My Gullibility
You can read about the time I thought road kill seagulls were chickens.
You can also read about the time I ate butter off a baked potato bar like ice cream.
This one is seriously embarrassing. And a horrible example of how dumb I am. As well as Troy's ability to bold faced lie straight to my face. And he wonders why I never believe anything he says. Prime example right here, babe.
This happened in high school. Troy was packing up his room after graduation, about a week before heading off to college. He was going through the desk in his room and pulled out a whole drawer and set it on his bed. He started shifting through it and pulled out a bottle of cologne and handed it to me. It had a red, white, and blue striped label on it (he's an American guy through and through) and the bottle had his name on it.
Natalie: What is this?
Troy: It's my scent.
(I opened the bottle and smelled it)
Natalie: Oh wow, it smells like you!
Troy: I know. It's my scent.
Natalie: What do you mean? You went to a factory and combined a bunch of scents together and then "copyrighted" it?
Troy: I went to the Tommy Hilfiger factory last summer with my family and they have this thing you can pay extra for on their factory tour. You go and sit in this bath thing and the scientists are able to pull your actual natural scent out of your body and bottle it.
Natalie: REALLY? Wow, I've never heard of that. You'd think it'd smell like B.O. I guess not... (opens lid and smells it again) You smell good.
Troy: It's a totally one of a kind bottle. You can have it if you want.
Natalie: Are you sure? It's the only one!
Troy: I'm sure.
I know, I know. That's ridiculous. But I believed him. So much so, that when we went to youth group later that week, I told my friend Ashley about it. Ashley thought it was cool too. We chatted about it. And Troy overhead me. He busted out laughing and told me that he had lied. He couldn't have this rumor going around about the Tommy Hilfiger company making "magic cologne" because of a story he made up. He still makes fun of me about it.
ALTHOUGH I must also mention that Ashley believed it too. That doesn't make it any less embarrassing, but at least I had company in the gullibility boat on this one.
SO embarrassing. Imagine if I had told this story to someone else who knew that it had to be bull. I'm just glad I told someone who believed it too and didn't make me feel stupid about it. And now you all know.
You can also read about the time I ate butter off a baked potato bar like ice cream.
This one is seriously embarrassing. And a horrible example of how dumb I am. As well as Troy's ability to bold faced lie straight to my face. And he wonders why I never believe anything he says. Prime example right here, babe.
This happened in high school. Troy was packing up his room after graduation, about a week before heading off to college. He was going through the desk in his room and pulled out a whole drawer and set it on his bed. He started shifting through it and pulled out a bottle of cologne and handed it to me. It had a red, white, and blue striped label on it (he's an American guy through and through) and the bottle had his name on it.
Natalie: What is this?
Troy: It's my scent.
(I opened the bottle and smelled it)
Natalie: Oh wow, it smells like you!
Troy: I know. It's my scent.
Natalie: What do you mean? You went to a factory and combined a bunch of scents together and then "copyrighted" it?
Troy: I went to the Tommy Hilfiger factory last summer with my family and they have this thing you can pay extra for on their factory tour. You go and sit in this bath thing and the scientists are able to pull your actual natural scent out of your body and bottle it.
Natalie: REALLY? Wow, I've never heard of that. You'd think it'd smell like B.O. I guess not... (opens lid and smells it again) You smell good.
Troy: It's a totally one of a kind bottle. You can have it if you want.
Natalie: Are you sure? It's the only one!
Troy: I'm sure.
I know, I know. That's ridiculous. But I believed him. So much so, that when we went to youth group later that week, I told my friend Ashley about it. Ashley thought it was cool too. We chatted about it. And Troy overhead me. He busted out laughing and told me that he had lied. He couldn't have this rumor going around about the Tommy Hilfiger company making "magic cologne" because of a story he made up. He still makes fun of me about it.
ALTHOUGH I must also mention that Ashley believed it too. That doesn't make it any less embarrassing, but at least I had company in the gullibility boat on this one.
SO embarrassing. Imagine if I had told this story to someone else who knew that it had to be bull. I'm just glad I told someone who believed it too and didn't make me feel stupid about it. And now you all know.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
The Time I Didn't Know the Difference Between a Baked Potato Bar and Dessert
Troy and I started dating in high school. Someday I will tell that story. But for now, we are doing a week of silly/ridiculous things that Natalie has said/done. And let's be real. It happens A LOT. I can only remember these ones because, somehow, I manage to do/say them in front of Troy. Or his family. This particular instance is the latter. I do ridiculous things all the time, but when you do them in front of people, they don't let you forget them.
Troy and I were in college. It may have been my FIRST time down to North Carolina to visit Troy when he was a freshman at ECU. We were both from Washington, DC and part of the reason Troy went to ECU was because ALL of his extended family lives in Wilson, about 40 minutes from Greenville. This gave Troy lots of opportunities to visit with family on some weekends or go to family dinners or whatever.
I had met a lot of Troy's family when we graduated from high school and his family had a BBQ at their house. This was my first time going to NC and seeing them at their homes. Troy and I headed out to Wilson on a Saturday night for a family dinner at a buffet in town called "Western Sizzlin'." And I guess I wanted to make a memorable first impression.
We are talking his whole family on his dad's side. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Somewhere between 12 and 15 people were probably there. Enough people to witness the event. And anytime we go to a buffet together now, they say, "look out for the dessert bar."
Okay, so we get a big table in the restaurant and are all eating at our own pace and drinking sweet tea. It was my first time meeting some of his family and I was trying to make a good impression. I LOVE dessert. LOVE. I do not understand when someone says the phrase, "it's too rich." NO. Nothing is too rich. You just aren't in the mood for whatever it is you're eating. I have a huge sweet tooth. So after I had my fill of dinner, I headed up to grab dessert.
The whole dessert area was on one end of the baked potato bar. So on the left side, there were potatoes, bacon, green onions, shredded cheese, butter, sour cream, etc. On the other side were Oreo cookies, brownie pieces, sprinkles, gummy bears, cherries, etc. I mosey up to the bar and make myself an ice cream sundae with all the fixings and head back to the table.
I sat down with Troy's family and make the PERFECT first bite. And time slows down. I feel like everyone is watching me (even though I know they weren't). I take a bite and it isn't cold. It isn't sweet. And it isn't ice cream.
I totally took a bite of BUTTER and toppings. I immediately opened my mouth and the bite fell back into the bowl. Troy's Aunt Betty was like, "where did you get the ice cream from? I thought they only had soft serve?"
Realization dawned on me. I had scooped butter from the baked potato bar and made a sundae with butter. Now, I like Paula Dean just as much as the next person, but a butter sundae is not on my menu of favorite desserts.
Realization hit his Aunt Betty quickly and she started laughing SO hard. I discreetly tried to put my full ice cream bowl down in the dirty dishes pile at the end of the table for the server to pick up, but everyone wanted to know why Aunt Betty was laughing so hard. She couldn't talk because she was crying, so I just said "I made a butter sundae by accident."
I am now the running joke at buffet dinners with his family. Well, the good news is, Troy and I got married 4 years later and they like me. I think :)
But they will never let me forget the day I ate butter with Oreo cookie topping.
So, as a lesson to you all, butter and vanilla bean ice cream look VERY familiar. If you go to a buffet where the potato bar and dessert fixings are on the same bar, make sure you aren't taking a HUGE scoop of butter. But maybe there is a problem when there is an ice cream scoop in the butter!!! My bad.
Troy and I were in college. It may have been my FIRST time down to North Carolina to visit Troy when he was a freshman at ECU. We were both from Washington, DC and part of the reason Troy went to ECU was because ALL of his extended family lives in Wilson, about 40 minutes from Greenville. This gave Troy lots of opportunities to visit with family on some weekends or go to family dinners or whatever.
I had met a lot of Troy's family when we graduated from high school and his family had a BBQ at their house. This was my first time going to NC and seeing them at their homes. Troy and I headed out to Wilson on a Saturday night for a family dinner at a buffet in town called "Western Sizzlin'." And I guess I wanted to make a memorable first impression.
We are talking his whole family on his dad's side. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Somewhere between 12 and 15 people were probably there. Enough people to witness the event. And anytime we go to a buffet together now, they say, "look out for the dessert bar."
Okay, so we get a big table in the restaurant and are all eating at our own pace and drinking sweet tea. It was my first time meeting some of his family and I was trying to make a good impression. I LOVE dessert. LOVE. I do not understand when someone says the phrase, "it's too rich." NO. Nothing is too rich. You just aren't in the mood for whatever it is you're eating. I have a huge sweet tooth. So after I had my fill of dinner, I headed up to grab dessert.
The whole dessert area was on one end of the baked potato bar. So on the left side, there were potatoes, bacon, green onions, shredded cheese, butter, sour cream, etc. On the other side were Oreo cookies, brownie pieces, sprinkles, gummy bears, cherries, etc. I mosey up to the bar and make myself an ice cream sundae with all the fixings and head back to the table.
I sat down with Troy's family and make the PERFECT first bite. And time slows down. I feel like everyone is watching me (even though I know they weren't). I take a bite and it isn't cold. It isn't sweet. And it isn't ice cream.
I totally took a bite of BUTTER and toppings. I immediately opened my mouth and the bite fell back into the bowl. Troy's Aunt Betty was like, "where did you get the ice cream from? I thought they only had soft serve?"
Realization dawned on me. I had scooped butter from the baked potato bar and made a sundae with butter. Now, I like Paula Dean just as much as the next person, but a butter sundae is not on my menu of favorite desserts.
Realization hit his Aunt Betty quickly and she started laughing SO hard. I discreetly tried to put my full ice cream bowl down in the dirty dishes pile at the end of the table for the server to pick up, but everyone wanted to know why Aunt Betty was laughing so hard. She couldn't talk because she was crying, so I just said "I made a butter sundae by accident."
I am now the running joke at buffet dinners with his family. Well, the good news is, Troy and I got married 4 years later and they like me. I think :)
But they will never let me forget the day I ate butter with Oreo cookie topping.
So, as a lesson to you all, butter and vanilla bean ice cream look VERY familiar. If you go to a buffet where the potato bar and dessert fixings are on the same bar, make sure you aren't taking a HUGE scoop of butter. But maybe there is a problem when there is an ice cream scoop in the butter!!! My bad.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
My First Speeding Ticket. OH WAIT...It Got Voided!
As a refresher (if you need one) here is the original incident. You know, where the cop was a total meanie and I decided to come home and document it that very day for the whole world wide web to see. And here is when I gave an update after I had filed a complaint with internal affairs.
Which brings me to today. Where I can tell you that the whole ordeal is officially over. My assigned court date was yesterday, January 15th. And I didn't go. Because my ticket was voided. You read that right.
I will back up and explain how all of this came to be...
So I filed an official complaint regarding the whole incident with the Las Vegas Metro Police. The complaint was forwarded to internal affairs. Internal affairs looked into my ticket (well, it was Troy's ticket technically since the ticket was improperly filled out with him as the driver when he wasn't even in the car) and it was then forwarded on the Sergeant of the police officer whom my complaint was regarding. I got a phone call from the Sergeant asking me to come in for an official interview. I told him that I wasn't interested in that but he was pretty insistent, so I reluctantly agreed.
I went to the office for my interview at 7am on December 19th in interrogation room 5. Sergeant Lehtinen and myself were the only people in the room. The things that I said were the truth to the best of my knowledge and the tape recording could be used in an administrative hearing.
Literally. It was that official. I was tape recorded with all kinds of official mumbo jumbo on the beginning of the recording to document who was there, and time and date and location and HOLY CRAP I was scared.
I was really really glad for this blog when I went in for the interview. I know that (statistically) when court dates or interviews are delayed for things like this, witnesses are more likely to forget the details and facts of situations and instead, only remember how they felt. Interviews run more on emotions rather than facts.
I came home the day that I got my ticket and wrote the blog. It was fresh in my mind. I brought my iphone to the interview and had the page loaded up in the Blogger app. I literally read the blog exactly as I wrote it into the microphone. When I finished, Sergeant Lehtinen asked me if I wanted to add any additional information and I said no.
And he turned off the tape recorder and informed me that internal affairs had started the paperwork to have my ticket voided before the report of my complaint had landed on his desk. Which I was NOT expecting, so that was awesome. The internal affairs office noticed that the ticket was under the wrong name and started the voiding process because they didn't know that the name could be changed through the court system.
SO YAY FOR DOING THE RIGHT THING! I filed a complaint about the officer, internal affairs voided my ticket and I did the interview with his Sergeant. All's well that ends well. Thanks for all your advice and encouragement. I appreciate it :)
Which brings me to today. Where I can tell you that the whole ordeal is officially over. My assigned court date was yesterday, January 15th. And I didn't go. Because my ticket was voided. You read that right.
I will back up and explain how all of this came to be...
So I filed an official complaint regarding the whole incident with the Las Vegas Metro Police. The complaint was forwarded to internal affairs. Internal affairs looked into my ticket (well, it was Troy's ticket technically since the ticket was improperly filled out with him as the driver when he wasn't even in the car) and it was then forwarded on the Sergeant of the police officer whom my complaint was regarding. I got a phone call from the Sergeant asking me to come in for an official interview. I told him that I wasn't interested in that but he was pretty insistent, so I reluctantly agreed.
I went to the office for my interview at 7am on December 19th in interrogation room 5. Sergeant Lehtinen and myself were the only people in the room. The things that I said were the truth to the best of my knowledge and the tape recording could be used in an administrative hearing.
Literally. It was that official. I was tape recorded with all kinds of official mumbo jumbo on the beginning of the recording to document who was there, and time and date and location and HOLY CRAP I was scared.
I was really really glad for this blog when I went in for the interview. I know that (statistically) when court dates or interviews are delayed for things like this, witnesses are more likely to forget the details and facts of situations and instead, only remember how they felt. Interviews run more on emotions rather than facts.
I came home the day that I got my ticket and wrote the blog. It was fresh in my mind. I brought my iphone to the interview and had the page loaded up in the Blogger app. I literally read the blog exactly as I wrote it into the microphone. When I finished, Sergeant Lehtinen asked me if I wanted to add any additional information and I said no.
And he turned off the tape recorder and informed me that internal affairs had started the paperwork to have my ticket voided before the report of my complaint had landed on his desk. Which I was NOT expecting, so that was awesome. The internal affairs office noticed that the ticket was under the wrong name and started the voiding process because they didn't know that the name could be changed through the court system.
SO YAY FOR DOING THE RIGHT THING! I filed a complaint about the officer, internal affairs voided my ticket and I did the interview with his Sergeant. All's well that ends well. Thanks for all your advice and encouragement. I appreciate it :)
Monday, January 7, 2013
Avery's (very belated) 18 Month Check Up
I was a bad mommy. For whatever reason, I didn't realize that Avery needed to go to a 15 month check up. So we skipped it. Oops.
She turned 18 months old on November 7th. So the week of Halloween, I called the clinic to make Avery an appointment in pediatrics for her 18 month well baby appointment. And there wasn't any availability until December 20th...oops. SO she had her 18 month appointment at 19 1/2 months. Or really her SUPER belated 15 month appointment.
Luckily, when we in-processed into Nellis, we took all of her records from her 12 mo appointment to pediatrics (it was done at an Army facility and we didn't know if the records could be accessed from an Air Force facility). We were sent over to immunizations when we gave them her records and she got some shots, so luckily, even though I'm getting serious bad mommy points for being late, her shots were up to date!! GO ME! Sort of...
She is averaging the 77th percentile for height and weight and then is in the 99th percentile for her head size. She's got a big head...what can I say?
She still needed 2 shots. Thank goodness Troy was there for her appointment. I HATE holding her down on the mat. Her fat little legs look so sad all pinned down.
Apparently when kids are between 15 and 18 months, they get blood work to look at calcium and some enzymes. So, being the good mom that I am, I let Troy hold her down while I took pictures. Bad mommy points again, huh?
They used the TINIEST little needle. She sat on Troy's lap and he held her legs between his legs and held her left arm to her body. One of the techs held her right arm straight and another tech drew her blood. IT WAS SOOOOO QUICK! And the tech was great! She got the vein right away. I could totally sympathize with Avery's pain because I HATE HATE HATE needles.
Look how she's staring at me like "MOOOOM! How can you let them do this to me???"
The second they were done, they put a pretty red Coban wrap on her arm and I scooped her up for a mommy hug. She was fine immediately and back to toddling around the lab yelling "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!" to everyone.
I guess it couldn't have been that bad, right? I'm just glad Troy was there and the techs were fast!
She turned 18 months old on November 7th. So the week of Halloween, I called the clinic to make Avery an appointment in pediatrics for her 18 month well baby appointment. And there wasn't any availability until December 20th...oops. SO she had her 18 month appointment at 19 1/2 months. Or really her SUPER belated 15 month appointment.
Luckily, when we in-processed into Nellis, we took all of her records from her 12 mo appointment to pediatrics (it was done at an Army facility and we didn't know if the records could be accessed from an Air Force facility). We were sent over to immunizations when we gave them her records and she got some shots, so luckily, even though I'm getting serious bad mommy points for being late, her shots were up to date!! GO ME! Sort of...
She is averaging the 77th percentile for height and weight and then is in the 99th percentile for her head size. She's got a big head...what can I say?
She still needed 2 shots. Thank goodness Troy was there for her appointment. I HATE holding her down on the mat. Her fat little legs look so sad all pinned down.
Apparently when kids are between 15 and 18 months, they get blood work to look at calcium and some enzymes. So, being the good mom that I am, I let Troy hold her down while I took pictures. Bad mommy points again, huh?
They used the TINIEST little needle. She sat on Troy's lap and he held her legs between his legs and held her left arm to her body. One of the techs held her right arm straight and another tech drew her blood. IT WAS SOOOOO QUICK! And the tech was great! She got the vein right away. I could totally sympathize with Avery's pain because I HATE HATE HATE needles.
Look how she's staring at me like "MOOOOM! How can you let them do this to me???"
The second they were done, they put a pretty red Coban wrap on her arm and I scooped her up for a mommy hug. She was fine immediately and back to toddling around the lab yelling "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!" to everyone.
I guess it couldn't have been that bad, right? I'm just glad Troy was there and the techs were fast!
Monday, November 12, 2012
So. I Got My First Speeding Ticket. And the Police Officer COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE RUDE.
This morning, I woke up and took a shower. And got ready for work. And got Avery out of bed to go to Carolyn's house (our nanny). I dropped Avery off and got on 215 going east for 2 miles and then merged to get onto 95 going south.
I look in my review mirror and see a motorcycle cop while I am on the 1/2 mile ramp from the beltway to merge on the highway and going about 60 mph. I think nothing of it because I wasn't speeding or breaking the law. I am getting ready to move onto 95 south and I see his motorcycle lights flash for about 5 seconds and I am confused. I think that he is signaling me to get out of the way so that he can get by faster. So I drive a bit to the right side of the road to let him by (the exit ramp is long and raised and only 1 lane) but he keeps on my bumper and so I merge off the road.
I was FREAKIN SCARED. I have NEVER been pulled over. EVER. No warnings, no traffic violations, no nothing. Perfect driving record. Until today. SO I am shaking. He takes his sweet time and gets off the bike and walks up to my side of the car and while I get my license and registration. This is what I am thinking:
Oh God. License and registration. That's what the cops say in movies. I have both. Go me. And I found them. Crap. I'm going to be so late for work. I don't have anyone's phone numbers. How am I going to call them? If I reach for my phone, will he think I have a gun and shoot me? Was I speeding? Nope. Oh crap, I wonder if my plates are expired. Hmmm (looking at registration), nope I'm good. Maybe my taillight is out. Oh no. I hope he takes his helmet and sunglasses off. He looks scary. I would hate to drive a motorcycle when it's this cold outside. Yuck. Oh CRAP here he comes. Maybe if I leave my Christian radio on he'll have pity. Oh God. Stop shaking. Don't cry. DON'T be that girl who cries. Don't do it.
He walks up to my window and I roll it down. He does not remove his helmet, sunglasses or move his little microphone from in front of his mouth. So I can see NO identifying features of his face.
Cop: (while yelling because we were on the highway and he didn't take off his helmet to hear me) License, registration, and proof of insurance.
I hand it to him and wait a beat while he looks at my license.
Me: Is there a problem?
Cop: (very rudely) Oh. So you think I'd give you a ticket without telling you what your traffic citation is?
Me: What? No. I just don't know what's wrong.
Cop: Are you telling me that you don't know what your speed was back there?
Me: I was going 65.
Cop: Right. I clocked you going 66.
Me: Okkkkaaaaaayyyyy?? (still waiting for an explanation)
Cop: The speed changes from 65 to 45 within a mile or so as you approach 95 because lights start on the north side of 215.
Me: Oh ok, I didn't realize that. I was on the highway for less than 2 miles.
Cop: (dripping with sarcasm) Did you pass your test for your drivers license?
Um Hello. The sarcasm AND question is just mean. Of course I passed the test. Would I be driving if I hadn't? You are in the suburbs of Las Vegas. This is not the strip at midnight. I am not drunk. Or a prostitute. Don't treat me like that. I am wearing scrubs and on my way to work with a car seat in the back. Hello. Sarcasm not needed. Suburban mom right here.
Me: Excuse me?
Cop: Why did it take so long for you to pull over?
Me: Your lights weren't flashing when I saw you. There are cops on the highways all the time. And I didn't feel safe pulling off to the side on a 1 lane, raised highway, entrance ramp where people are getting ready to merge at 70 mph.
Cop: (still dripping sarcastic and yelling over the noise) Well if you had passed your test, you'd know that you are supposed to pull over when you see an officer behind you.
I OBJECT!! But I didn't say that. I know that you are allowed to pull off at ANY spot where you feel comfortable. Which I definitely didn't. As it was, I pulled over in a construction zone between cones. Just sayin'. I could have called the police department to confirm that a real police officer was following me if I wanted. All within my rights okay?
Me: awkward silence while thinking ^this^ over.
Cop: (While looking at my license because it is from Delaware) Are you visiting Las Vegas or are you a local?
Me: I'm a local, we just moved here in mid August.
Cop: And you're on your way to work?
Me: Yes.
Cop: I need your local address. What is it?
Me: (Gives him address)
Cop: (yelling) I need you to speak up!!
Me: (shouts address)
Cop: (still yelling) LOUDER!
Me: (shouts address)
Cop: (yelling louder) LOUDER THAN THAT!
Me: (takes registration from Cop and writes address on it)
He goes back to his motorcycle to write up my ticket. And I proceed to cry. He was so mean, sarcastic, and inappropriate. I literally couldn't believe how rude he was. And my only reaction was to cry. Not sobbing. Just a tear every once in a while.
So he comes back with my ticket(s) and hands me my speeding ticket. So then he says:
Cop: Here's your ticket. Sign here. I reduced the speed to just say that you were 5 over. (only good thing he did or it was a reckless driving...ew)
Me: Thanks. What do I do now? Do I pay, do I call court, do I call my insurance? I've never done this.
Cop: Directions on the back. And I have to write you an additional ticket.
Me: What? Why?
Cop: You told me that you moved here in mid August. Thats two and half months ago.
Me: Okkkaaaaaayyyy
Cop: It's Nevada state law that you change your license, registration and insurance within 30 days of taking residence. (tries to hand me ticket)
Me: (puts hands up and pulls them away from the ticket) WHOA WAIT. My husband is active duty military and our insurance and registration is in his name. We don't have to change that stuff because he is active duty.
Happy Veterans Day you JERK! Kidding. I didn't say that.
Cop: (awkward pause with ugly look on his face because I was right and he wasn't expecting that response) Oh......well I didn't know that.
Me: (voice shaking and tear coming down face) You've been very rude, sarcastic and unprofessional (I may have said inappropriate). Be nice. I've never done this before and don't know what to expect.
Cop: Well, act like an adult and suck it up. It's time to put on your big girl pants. (I am shocked into silence) Have a good day.
And he turns around and walks back to his bike.
Seriously. If I was speeding, that's fine. I get a ticket. But really? No need to be rude. He was on a serious power trip.
Here's the kicker. I got back to Carolyn's and told her and her husband (who is from Las Vegas) what happened. Talon said I should file a complaint for his behavior and that his name and badge number should be on the ticket. I pull the ticket out and hand it to him and he's like "NO. WAY. I have to call my sister."
He calls his sister and sure enough, the cop is her ex-fiance. I tell her the whole story and she's like, "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT!! I KNEW HE WAS A JERK. I'm so glad I broke it off with him."
Small world. I did file a complaint. Because really? SO rude.
Advice anyone? Pay the ticket? Contest? Anyone else have a horrid police interaction? Make me laugh please. I still haven't talked to Troy. Maybe he'll take pity on me because he was so mean.
Anyway, here's the picture. Opinions?
I look in my review mirror and see a motorcycle cop while I am on the 1/2 mile ramp from the beltway to merge on the highway and going about 60 mph. I think nothing of it because I wasn't speeding or breaking the law. I am getting ready to move onto 95 south and I see his motorcycle lights flash for about 5 seconds and I am confused. I think that he is signaling me to get out of the way so that he can get by faster. So I drive a bit to the right side of the road to let him by (the exit ramp is long and raised and only 1 lane) but he keeps on my bumper and so I merge off the road.
I was FREAKIN SCARED. I have NEVER been pulled over. EVER. No warnings, no traffic violations, no nothing. Perfect driving record. Until today. SO I am shaking. He takes his sweet time and gets off the bike and walks up to my side of the car and while I get my license and registration. This is what I am thinking:
Oh God. License and registration. That's what the cops say in movies. I have both. Go me. And I found them. Crap. I'm going to be so late for work. I don't have anyone's phone numbers. How am I going to call them? If I reach for my phone, will he think I have a gun and shoot me? Was I speeding? Nope. Oh crap, I wonder if my plates are expired. Hmmm (looking at registration), nope I'm good. Maybe my taillight is out. Oh no. I hope he takes his helmet and sunglasses off. He looks scary. I would hate to drive a motorcycle when it's this cold outside. Yuck. Oh CRAP here he comes. Maybe if I leave my Christian radio on he'll have pity. Oh God. Stop shaking. Don't cry. DON'T be that girl who cries. Don't do it.
He walks up to my window and I roll it down. He does not remove his helmet, sunglasses or move his little microphone from in front of his mouth. So I can see NO identifying features of his face.
Cop: (while yelling because we were on the highway and he didn't take off his helmet to hear me) License, registration, and proof of insurance.
I hand it to him and wait a beat while he looks at my license.
Me: Is there a problem?
Cop: (very rudely) Oh. So you think I'd give you a ticket without telling you what your traffic citation is?
Me: What? No. I just don't know what's wrong.
Cop: Are you telling me that you don't know what your speed was back there?
Me: I was going 65.
Cop: Right. I clocked you going 66.
Me: Okkkkaaaaaayyyyy?? (still waiting for an explanation)
Cop: The speed changes from 65 to 45 within a mile or so as you approach 95 because lights start on the north side of 215.
Me: Oh ok, I didn't realize that. I was on the highway for less than 2 miles.
Cop: (dripping with sarcasm) Did you pass your test for your drivers license?
Um Hello. The sarcasm AND question is just mean. Of course I passed the test. Would I be driving if I hadn't? You are in the suburbs of Las Vegas. This is not the strip at midnight. I am not drunk. Or a prostitute. Don't treat me like that. I am wearing scrubs and on my way to work with a car seat in the back. Hello. Sarcasm not needed. Suburban mom right here.
Me: Excuse me?
Cop: Why did it take so long for you to pull over?
Me: Your lights weren't flashing when I saw you. There are cops on the highways all the time. And I didn't feel safe pulling off to the side on a 1 lane, raised highway, entrance ramp where people are getting ready to merge at 70 mph.
Cop: (still dripping sarcastic and yelling over the noise) Well if you had passed your test, you'd know that you are supposed to pull over when you see an officer behind you.
I OBJECT!! But I didn't say that. I know that you are allowed to pull off at ANY spot where you feel comfortable. Which I definitely didn't. As it was, I pulled over in a construction zone between cones. Just sayin'. I could have called the police department to confirm that a real police officer was following me if I wanted. All within my rights okay?
Me: awkward silence while thinking ^this^ over.
Cop: (While looking at my license because it is from Delaware) Are you visiting Las Vegas or are you a local?
Me: I'm a local, we just moved here in mid August.
Cop: And you're on your way to work?
Me: Yes.
Cop: I need your local address. What is it?
Me: (Gives him address)
Cop: (yelling) I need you to speak up!!
Me: (shouts address)
Cop: (still yelling) LOUDER!
Me: (shouts address)
Cop: (yelling louder) LOUDER THAN THAT!
Me: (takes registration from Cop and writes address on it)
He goes back to his motorcycle to write up my ticket. And I proceed to cry. He was so mean, sarcastic, and inappropriate. I literally couldn't believe how rude he was. And my only reaction was to cry. Not sobbing. Just a tear every once in a while.
So he comes back with my ticket(s) and hands me my speeding ticket. So then he says:
Cop: Here's your ticket. Sign here. I reduced the speed to just say that you were 5 over. (only good thing he did or it was a reckless driving...ew)
Me: Thanks. What do I do now? Do I pay, do I call court, do I call my insurance? I've never done this.
Cop: Directions on the back. And I have to write you an additional ticket.
Me: What? Why?
Cop: You told me that you moved here in mid August. Thats two and half months ago.
Me: Okkkaaaaaayyyy
Cop: It's Nevada state law that you change your license, registration and insurance within 30 days of taking residence. (tries to hand me ticket)
Me: (puts hands up and pulls them away from the ticket) WHOA WAIT. My husband is active duty military and our insurance and registration is in his name. We don't have to change that stuff because he is active duty.
Happy Veterans Day you JERK! Kidding. I didn't say that.
Cop: (awkward pause with ugly look on his face because I was right and he wasn't expecting that response) Oh......well I didn't know that.
Me: (voice shaking and tear coming down face) You've been very rude, sarcastic and unprofessional (I may have said inappropriate). Be nice. I've never done this before and don't know what to expect.
Cop: Well, act like an adult and suck it up. It's time to put on your big girl pants. (I am shocked into silence) Have a good day.
And he turns around and walks back to his bike.
Seriously. If I was speeding, that's fine. I get a ticket. But really? No need to be rude. He was on a serious power trip.
Here's the kicker. I got back to Carolyn's and told her and her husband (who is from Las Vegas) what happened. Talon said I should file a complaint for his behavior and that his name and badge number should be on the ticket. I pull the ticket out and hand it to him and he's like "NO. WAY. I have to call my sister."
He calls his sister and sure enough, the cop is her ex-fiance. I tell her the whole story and she's like, "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT!! I KNEW HE WAS A JERK. I'm so glad I broke it off with him."
Small world. I did file a complaint. Because really? SO rude.
Advice anyone? Pay the ticket? Contest? Anyone else have a horrid police interaction? Make me laugh please. I still haven't talked to Troy. Maybe he'll take pity on me because he was so mean.
Anyway, here's the picture. Opinions?
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
I Walked Out in the Garage and the Bumper was HANGING TOTALLY OFF THE CAR. And Troy was Getting Directions Off YouTube.
Troy and I are the kind of people that pay for service. If something will take too long or be a big pain in the butt, we'll pay a lot to get out of doing it ourselves.
After Avery went to bed, Troy decided to do some DIY car work. Which he had never done before. I was a little nervous. If you read our last DIY story, you know how that went. He needed to change the lightbulbs in one of the headlights that were out. He has always paid for repairs for his car. It's a Volkswagon Jetta, and he's always been like, "it's a foreign car so it has to go to a dealer!" Like a Jiffy Lube won't know how to change the oil in a german car. Seriously.
So when he announced that he was going to AutoZone to get lightbulbs, I thought THEY were changing them. Nope.
He came home and brought his computer out in the garage.
Natalie (with a tremor in her voice, knowing that Troy has to drive it to work in 2 hours): Uhhhhhhh, what are you doing?
Troy (very calmly and confidently): Watching a "how to" video for this.
Natalie: Uhhhhhhh, what are you doing?
He ignored me. I avoided going out there for about an hour. And then I walked out and saw this:
Natalie: OH MY GOD! YOU TOOK THE WHOLE BUMPER OFF!
Troy: I'm aware. I had to take it off to get access to the headlights. I've been here the whole time. I know it's off.
Natalie (voice squeaking): Are you seriously watching youtube?
Troy: Yep.
Natalie: OH MY GOD! CAN YOU PUT IT BACK ON???
Troy: Hey look. There's a dead bird in the bumper where I took it off.
Natalie: WHAT!! GROSS! Get rid of it! (long pause) OK FINE! Let me see.
I took a picture of the dead bird inside the bumper, but I won't do that to you. Some of you may be eating breakfast. Yuck.
You saw it here first folks. Troy is wearing a head light. Like, for when you go hiking at night.
But for real. He figured it out calmly. Using a youtube video. I was seriously proud. He probably saved us 2 hours of paying for car labor at a shop. And thank God for dawn soap. It's the only thing that gets car grease off of skin.
After Avery went to bed, Troy decided to do some DIY car work. Which he had never done before. I was a little nervous. If you read our last DIY story, you know how that went. He needed to change the lightbulbs in one of the headlights that were out. He has always paid for repairs for his car. It's a Volkswagon Jetta, and he's always been like, "it's a foreign car so it has to go to a dealer!" Like a Jiffy Lube won't know how to change the oil in a german car. Seriously.
So when he announced that he was going to AutoZone to get lightbulbs, I thought THEY were changing them. Nope.
He came home and brought his computer out in the garage.
Natalie (with a tremor in her voice, knowing that Troy has to drive it to work in 2 hours): Uhhhhhhh, what are you doing?
Troy (very calmly and confidently): Watching a "how to" video for this.
Natalie: Uhhhhhhh, what are you doing?
He ignored me. I avoided going out there for about an hour. And then I walked out and saw this:
Natalie: OH MY GOD! YOU TOOK THE WHOLE BUMPER OFF!
Troy: I'm aware. I had to take it off to get access to the headlights. I've been here the whole time. I know it's off.
Natalie (voice squeaking): Are you seriously watching youtube?
Troy: Yep.
Natalie: OH MY GOD! CAN YOU PUT IT BACK ON???
Troy: Hey look. There's a dead bird in the bumper where I took it off.
Natalie: WHAT!! GROSS! Get rid of it! (long pause) OK FINE! Let me see.
I took a picture of the dead bird inside the bumper, but I won't do that to you. Some of you may be eating breakfast. Yuck.
You saw it here first folks. Troy is wearing a head light. Like, for when you go hiking at night.
But for real. He figured it out calmly. Using a youtube video. I was seriously proud. He probably saved us 2 hours of paying for car labor at a shop. And thank God for dawn soap. It's the only thing that gets car grease off of skin.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Things I am Horrible at: Reading Vanity License Plates
Seriously. Troy thinks this is hilarious. I am SO bad at deciphering them. Something else I am bad at??
DO NOT ask me to play this game. You will always win and I will have a bad attitude.
But back to the license plates. Here are a couple examples and how the conversation went while I would try to figure them out.
The first horrible incident from my memory was with my friend Kristen. She still makes fun of me for this. She almost peed her pants listening to me trying to figure it out.
This is what the license plate said:
IMFRMNY
Kristen: Oh that guy must be a horrible driver.
Natalie: Huh? Why? How can you tell that?
Kristen: His license plate.
Natalie: Huh? I'm for money? Infamy? No that's not it.
Kristen (almost crashing her car to sideways look at me): Are you kidding me right now? Natalie. Come on.
Natalie: WHAT? I don't know! How can you tell he's a horrible driver? He likes money! Or he has a rich family. Like "I'm from money." Maybe he needs a wife. I don't know....
Kristen (while snorting and laughing): I'M FROM NEW YORK!!!!
Natalie: OHHHHHH I get it.
Most recently, Troy and I were out on a day date and we saw this license plate:
NOS8NT
Troy: Oh that's appropriate for Vegas.
Natalie: Huh? Not otherwise specified eightent? What?
Troy: You are the worst.
Natalie: COME ON! You know I suck at this.
Troy: What are you talking about "not otherwise specified"???
Natalie: That's what is on lab reports when a sample is abnormal but there is no categorization for the identification of the anomaly.
Troy: So you go with "not otherwise specified" rather than "no"?
Natalie: I'm going to stop talking you through my thought process if you are going to make fun of me.
Troy: Oh thank God, I better keep going!
Natalie: HEY!
Troy: Seriously. What do you think it says?
Natalie: Seriously I don't know. Just tell me. You are only going to make fun of me.
Troy. NO SAINT!
Natalie: OHHHHHHHHHH that makes sense.
Example 3. We saw this one on the same trip as the previous one. At this point, he is showing off his skills and trying to make me feel stupid/wanting to laugh at me and have a story to tell his friends about how dumb I am.
2DNGRUS
Troy: Ok what do you think that one is. This is going to be good.
Natalie: 2 dungerees? Like jeans? Maybe he has twins.
Troy: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you're ridiculous!
Natalie: Ok what is it??
Troy: Too dangerous!
Natalie: Ohhhhhhhh that makes sense.
Example 4:
HMESLV
Troy: Ok, this one is easy.
Natalie (very confidently yelling): SHE'S A REALTOR!!! HOMES LOVE!
Troy: YOU ARE THE WORST!!!!
Natalie: NO, WAIT! HOME: SOUTHERN LAS VEGAS!
Troy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! YOU SUCK AT THIS! I WILL ALWAYS WIN!
Natalie: You almost always win at games anyway. Just add this to that pile. I'm just not as competitive as you. It doesn't matter.
Troy: She's probably a stay at home mom. It's home slave!
Natalie: You don't know. That could be any number of things. Homes love. Home: Southern Las Vegas.
Troy: Just stop. You lose.
Natalie: .............ok fine.
So yeah. I suck at deciphering license plates. And playing Mad Gab.
DO NOT ask me to play this game. You will always win and I will have a bad attitude.
But back to the license plates. Here are a couple examples and how the conversation went while I would try to figure them out.
The first horrible incident from my memory was with my friend Kristen. She still makes fun of me for this. She almost peed her pants listening to me trying to figure it out.
This is what the license plate said:
IMFRMNY
Kristen: Oh that guy must be a horrible driver.
Natalie: Huh? Why? How can you tell that?
Kristen: His license plate.
Natalie: Huh? I'm for money? Infamy? No that's not it.
Kristen (almost crashing her car to sideways look at me): Are you kidding me right now? Natalie. Come on.
Natalie: WHAT? I don't know! How can you tell he's a horrible driver? He likes money! Or he has a rich family. Like "I'm from money." Maybe he needs a wife. I don't know....
Kristen (while snorting and laughing): I'M FROM NEW YORK!!!!
Natalie: OHHHHHH I get it.
Most recently, Troy and I were out on a day date and we saw this license plate:
NOS8NT
Troy: Oh that's appropriate for Vegas.
Natalie: Huh? Not otherwise specified eightent? What?
Troy: You are the worst.
Natalie: COME ON! You know I suck at this.
Troy: What are you talking about "not otherwise specified"???
Natalie: That's what is on lab reports when a sample is abnormal but there is no categorization for the identification of the anomaly.
Troy: So you go with "not otherwise specified" rather than "no"?
Natalie: I'm going to stop talking you through my thought process if you are going to make fun of me.
Troy: Oh thank God, I better keep going!
Natalie: HEY!
Troy: Seriously. What do you think it says?
Natalie: Seriously I don't know. Just tell me. You are only going to make fun of me.
Troy. NO SAINT!
Natalie: OHHHHHHHHHH that makes sense.
Example 3. We saw this one on the same trip as the previous one. At this point, he is showing off his skills and trying to make me feel stupid/wanting to laugh at me and have a story to tell his friends about how dumb I am.
2DNGRUS
Troy: Ok what do you think that one is. This is going to be good.
Natalie: 2 dungerees? Like jeans? Maybe he has twins.
Troy: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you're ridiculous!
Natalie: Ok what is it??
Troy: Too dangerous!
Natalie: Ohhhhhhhh that makes sense.
Example 4:
HMESLV
Troy: Ok, this one is easy.
Natalie (very confidently yelling): SHE'S A REALTOR!!! HOMES LOVE!
Troy: YOU ARE THE WORST!!!!
Natalie: NO, WAIT! HOME: SOUTHERN LAS VEGAS!
Troy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! YOU SUCK AT THIS! I WILL ALWAYS WIN!
Natalie: You almost always win at games anyway. Just add this to that pile. I'm just not as competitive as you. It doesn't matter.
Troy: She's probably a stay at home mom. It's home slave!
Natalie: You don't know. That could be any number of things. Homes love. Home: Southern Las Vegas.
Troy: Just stop. You lose.
Natalie: .............ok fine.
So yeah. I suck at deciphering license plates. And playing Mad Gab.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Mommy Parenting VS. Daddy Parenting
Troy and I are parents. But our first baby was our puppy Optimus. He is the BEST dog. So sweet. And gentle with Avery. I need to keep that in mind more often. He was our very first baby. And we love him dearly.
Sometimes we have conflicting views on proper dog parenting. Or general first aid. Here is a perfect example:
While Laura and I were out shopping at the outlets on saturday morning in San Diego, Troy and Optimus went hiking. They went about 3 miles and didn't go further because Optimus was pooped out. By the time that they hiked the 3 miles back and then got home, the poor baby puppy was limping. Troy checked out his paw and there was a huge blister on one of his pads :(
Troy sent me this picture. It's his solution to Optimus's blister problem. It's very high tech (sarcasm). Can you guess what it is? I knew immediately. There is no duct tape involved. Which is remarkable considering it is a frequent man-cure-all. I kid, I kid. Sort of.
This is my immediate response. How sassy is my hubby?? He's funny.
It's like he KNEW that his solution would not satisfy me. Can you hear the positivity in his exclamation marks? Like, "If I am excited enough with my exclamation points, she will ignore the fact that Avery's beautiful white sock could be about to catch a bucketful of pus and blood?"
P.S. No, I'm not pregnant. MOM! I just like to joke with Troy that if we have a boy, he will have to wear Avery's beautiful clothes so that they get tons of wear before I give them away. We have TONS of pink frilly socks that he could have picked for Optimus's foot, but apparently, even a boy DOG is not allowed to wear girl socks.
Sometimes we have conflicting views on proper dog parenting. Or general first aid. Here is a perfect example:
While Laura and I were out shopping at the outlets on saturday morning in San Diego, Troy and Optimus went hiking. They went about 3 miles and didn't go further because Optimus was pooped out. By the time that they hiked the 3 miles back and then got home, the poor baby puppy was limping. Troy checked out his paw and there was a huge blister on one of his pads :(
Troy sent me this picture. It's his solution to Optimus's blister problem. It's very high tech (sarcasm). Can you guess what it is? I knew immediately. There is no duct tape involved. Which is remarkable considering it is a frequent man-cure-all. I kid, I kid. Sort of.
This is my immediate response. How sassy is my hubby?? He's funny.
It's like he KNEW that his solution would not satisfy me. Can you hear the positivity in his exclamation marks? Like, "If I am excited enough with my exclamation points, she will ignore the fact that Avery's beautiful white sock could be about to catch a bucketful of pus and blood?"
P.S. No, I'm not pregnant. MOM! I just like to joke with Troy that if we have a boy, he will have to wear Avery's beautiful clothes so that they get tons of wear before I give them away. We have TONS of pink frilly socks that he could have picked for Optimus's foot, but apparently, even a boy DOG is not allowed to wear girl socks.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
My New House is Busted
This is for your listening pleasure while reading this. You can substitute in "my new house is busted" for the lyrics.
I went San Diego last week to visit my cousin, Laura, and her son, my new cousin Jameson. If anyone is educated on family trees, I have a question for you. My mom and Laura's mom (Kim) are 1st cousins. That makes Laura my mom's 2nd cousin and Kim my 2nd cousin. I think that makes Laura and me 3rd cousins. And Avery is Laura's 4th cousin and Jameson is my 4th cousin?? Does that make Avery and Jameson 5th cousins?? I need help, clearly. I could google it, but I'm a little lazy.
We had a lovely time for 5 days together. And then I drove home 4.5 hours. The drive was great. No issues. And then, I came home to this in my house. It looks like a straight up Dexter killing room:
Oh woops. Just kidding. I LOVE that show. Here it is. I walked in from the garage and saw this. The whole door frame is ripped off. And the room is taped off like Dexter is about to do some slashing in there.
It normally looks like this:
The inside looks like this...all the drywall on the back wall is missing. BUT WAIT! Let me pan up for you too...
THE WHOLE CEILING IS GONE!!!
Troy came home from a hike with Optimus on saturday and the ceiling was soaked and dripping into the bathtub. PANIC! He called me all, "What do I do?"
He called the emergency warranty number for our builder and they sent a plumber out within an hour. Talk about service! They ripped out the ceiling. AND the walls. The bathroom wall that was wet shares the garage wall so if you sat on the toilet, you could wave to our across the street neighbor all WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD!!
And they put TWO holes in the outside of the house right where Avery's bathtub is on the second floor:
When Troy texted me the pictures of the house on saturday while I was still in San Diego, I almost had a stroke. I could only think bad things.
"Oh my God. Our builder sucks. We just closed on our house 2 months ago and we are already having issues? What else could be wrong? What if the whole inside of the wall is moldy now?? Avery's room is on that side of the house. Is she going to be sick all the time? How much is this going to cost? Thank God I won't be back until tomorrow. Thank God I didn't find the problem. I would have gone into full meltdown mode. I'm glad we are here. We don't have to deal with the noise and dust and people all over. What if something else is wrong? Are you going to be able to tell where they patched the holes on the side of the house? What if bugs are crawling into my house where they are putting holes? Or a bird is making a nest inside the house? AHHHHH!!!"
The culprit was found right there.
The blue rubber tubing is the cold water to Avery's bathtub. Apparently the ring that holds the rubber tube on the metal pipe wasn't tight enough. Giving Avery baths was increasing the pressure in the tube and it got loose and started dripping. All down the inside of the house. After the culprit was found, the plumber came with a thermal imaging kind of thing that detects water. Thats why all the walls and ceiling and door frame are off and being replaced. They were wet.
The building superintendent came to check things out and told Troy that we won't be responsible for paying for damages (PRAISE THE LORD) since it is a construction error. We were lucky.
They should be done putting all the drywall in tomorrow. YAY for speedy work. Love it. Dexter's killing room will be gone tomorrow.
I went San Diego last week to visit my cousin, Laura, and her son, my new cousin Jameson. If anyone is educated on family trees, I have a question for you. My mom and Laura's mom (Kim) are 1st cousins. That makes Laura my mom's 2nd cousin and Kim my 2nd cousin. I think that makes Laura and me 3rd cousins. And Avery is Laura's 4th cousin and Jameson is my 4th cousin?? Does that make Avery and Jameson 5th cousins?? I need help, clearly. I could google it, but I'm a little lazy.
We had a lovely time for 5 days together. And then I drove home 4.5 hours. The drive was great. No issues. And then, I came home to this in my house. It looks like a straight up Dexter killing room:
Oh woops. Just kidding. I LOVE that show. Here it is. I walked in from the garage and saw this. The whole door frame is ripped off. And the room is taped off like Dexter is about to do some slashing in there.
It normally looks like this:
The inside looks like this...all the drywall on the back wall is missing. BUT WAIT! Let me pan up for you too...
THE WHOLE CEILING IS GONE!!!
Troy came home from a hike with Optimus on saturday and the ceiling was soaked and dripping into the bathtub. PANIC! He called me all, "What do I do?"
He called the emergency warranty number for our builder and they sent a plumber out within an hour. Talk about service! They ripped out the ceiling. AND the walls. The bathroom wall that was wet shares the garage wall so if you sat on the toilet, you could wave to our across the street neighbor all WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD!!
And they put TWO holes in the outside of the house right where Avery's bathtub is on the second floor:
When Troy texted me the pictures of the house on saturday while I was still in San Diego, I almost had a stroke. I could only think bad things.
"Oh my God. Our builder sucks. We just closed on our house 2 months ago and we are already having issues? What else could be wrong? What if the whole inside of the wall is moldy now?? Avery's room is on that side of the house. Is she going to be sick all the time? How much is this going to cost? Thank God I won't be back until tomorrow. Thank God I didn't find the problem. I would have gone into full meltdown mode. I'm glad we are here. We don't have to deal with the noise and dust and people all over. What if something else is wrong? Are you going to be able to tell where they patched the holes on the side of the house? What if bugs are crawling into my house where they are putting holes? Or a bird is making a nest inside the house? AHHHHH!!!"
The culprit was found right there.
The blue rubber tubing is the cold water to Avery's bathtub. Apparently the ring that holds the rubber tube on the metal pipe wasn't tight enough. Giving Avery baths was increasing the pressure in the tube and it got loose and started dripping. All down the inside of the house. After the culprit was found, the plumber came with a thermal imaging kind of thing that detects water. Thats why all the walls and ceiling and door frame are off and being replaced. They were wet.
The building superintendent came to check things out and told Troy that we won't be responsible for paying for damages (PRAISE THE LORD) since it is a construction error. We were lucky.
They should be done putting all the drywall in tomorrow. YAY for speedy work. Love it. Dexter's killing room will be gone tomorrow.
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